Milady. I need to show you something.
I intoned gravely from the doorway into the lounge where the Good Lady was parenting furiously via the TV and bowls of popcorn.
She looked up a little guiltily.
Aren't you meant to be at work?
She exhaled dustily through a kernel laden mouth.
I tossed my head back like a stallion demented by the demands of its own penis.
There was a knock at the door. No one was answering it. I had to come down from my lair.
I uttered portentously.
Oh, sorry. We were watching a movie.
She indicated with an embarrassed wiggle at the kids who were lined up on the couch beside her, jaws working furiously at the popcorn whilst staring at the TV. not a transvestite TV, a television TV. It would probably incur someone's wrath if we tied a transvestite to a pole in the corner of the room and stared at him/her/they/them/Simon whilst eating popcorn.
It is ok. I have forgiven you for making me answer the door like an everyday peon. I must insist however that you come with me.
I flicked my head at the front door and gave her a solemn nod as if I were having my wrist circumference measured at a fisting workshop.
The Good Lady sighed and wrestled herself to her feet, the effort made her wheeze as if she were an old woman telling her grandson about the kids that got drowned in the local stone quarry fifty years ago.
She followed me to the front door and watched bemusedly as I rested a hand on the handle.
Are you ready, sweet baby girl of mine?
Erm yes. I am ready, oh husband of many mysteries.
She let out a snickering giggle as if I were a cheap magician whose rabbit was too fat for his hat.
I took my hand off the handle and smiled winsomely at her.
This COVID nonsense has been quite a bloody downer for all of us and I thought I would get you something to cheer you up. A bit of a present as it were. Are you ready to see it?
I grinned widely at the thought of pleasing my lovely wife without children falling out of her old gammon vase nine months later.
Oooooo, a present? For me? Oh darling, you are too good to me you really are. You don't have to give me a present. We are all in this together you know.
She continued to babble like a small stream as I opened the front door to expose the gift sitting outside.
Tada!
I exclaimed proudly.
The Good Lady stopped talking and stared.
I proudly waved a hand at the two things propped up in the driveway.
The silence, as the Good Lady stared at them, stretched out for an eternity before she broke it.
Are those Scooters?
She asked tentatively.
Your powers of perception remain undimmed through your advancing years, my sweet!
I stepped over and stepped on one and scoofed it back and forth a bit.
Adult scooters so we can whizz about with the kids when they go out on theirs!
I made an engine revving noise as if I were a car at traffic lights being piloted by a pair of teenage buffoons.
She was still staring at them.
I started having doubts. What if she hated them? Would I have to send them back? Or would I keep mine and send hers back? Or would I keep both of them and wear them like some crazy kind of urban skis?
Urban skis... I liked it, I could already see myself double scooting around the neighbourhood chasing cats and fighting crime. This was gonna be awesome.
I love it!! Is this one mine?
The Good Lady hopped off the step and grabbed the funky blue one which I had half thought would be mine.
Let's scoot!
She cried and pushed off onto the pavement outside our house.
YAY!
I cried, swallowing down a tiny tinge of disappointment that my dream of being a masked Urban ski'd fighter of crime would have to wait for another day,
I hopped on and scooted after her.
