I waddled out of the showers of the gym clutching with one hand at the towel around my waist like an old gunslinger standing at a bar waiting for the barkeep to slide him over another whisky.
I couldn't help but smile. It had been good to get to the gym. Various members of my family had been ill over these last few weeks and it had all been a bit hectic.
Now, everything was on the up and I had managed to squaffle some me time to go punch random bags, lift bits of metal and cycle pretend bikes whilst staring at mindless TV.
Punchbags of course and not old women 'bags', that wouldn't be very gentlemanly although may achieve the same de-stressing effect
I was feeling very calm. Even my shower had been blessedly free of children pawing at the door shouting that they were desperate for a poo.
As I pulled my stuff out of the locker I couldn't help but whistle a jaunty little tune as I got dried and dressed.
It is the little things in life after all.
A couple of paces away some young feller-me-lad with a nobbly spine was also getting dressed. He too looked cheery.
Unfortunately, in glancing over I had caught Spiney's attention. He nodded at me and smiled.
Nearly Christmas!
He squawked, his voice a strange combination of high-pitched squawk and low growl. He sounded like the combined noises of a Grizzly bear humping that Eliza character from Frozen 2 when she is singing that weird aaah aaaaaaaah song.
Aye, can't wait.
Despite rarely engaging with Gym folk, I was in a good enough mood that I tried to be pleasant in my reply.
Am going up Becky's the night, man. Cannot wait, oof!
He rubbed vigorously at his head with a towel causing it to bob back and forth like a shipwreck survivor in a storm-tossed sea.
I looked at him with some bafflement. Who the fuck was Becky? Was I meant to know? Was it a place? Was it a dog? Was he announcing that he was going up a dog called Becky?
If that were the case I admired his devil-may-care attitude. Some folk kept things like that a secret.
Ah right.
I chose to nod wisely.
Oh shit?! Where is my fucking moisturiser!? Fuck... FUCK!?
Spiney started clawing the contents of his gym bag out and throwing them to the side in the search of his moisturiser.
Did he need it for pumping his dog, Becky?
At that moment Spiney spotted my very own moisturiser on the bench beside my bag and his eyes lit up.
Mate, sorry, I don't want to sound like an arse... Can I borrow some of yours?
He pointed at my expensive little bottle of God Cream.
It is all that stands between me and looking like Gandalf in the morning
Um... Was he asking to use my moisturiser? First, he openly and proudly admits that he humps dogs and now he wanted to use my moisturiser as some fiendish foreplay to the dog-humping?
He must have seen the blizzard of expressions whirl through my face like a Texan tornado.
As ah said. Am going up to Becky's straight after this.
Spiney smiled like a love-sick loon.
Right, did that make it ok? We still didn't know what Becky was. I mean, if she was a dog did that warrant some of my good moisturiser?
Becky's my girlfriend, been seeing her for a couple a weeks.
He volunteered, still smiling like he was being lobotomized.
Holy shit, so she definitely wasn't a dog? How did he know what I was thinking?
She's fantastic man. I like to make an effort for her and forgot to pack mine. If I could borrow a wee bit I would be so grateful.
He grinned like a sheep asking for a nose tickle.
Listen man, sorry, if it's a hassle...
He shrugged whilst still maintaining a solid Jerry Banfield'esque eye contact.
I was ready to tell him to bite my fucking banger but some element of the good vibes I had been feeling crept back into my mind.
It's cool, here, go for it.
I handed him my moisturiser.
Yes baby!
He made to high-five me but my face told him to fucking behave himself.
After a quick splodge and rub he handed it back to me.
Thanks man, you have saved my life. I'm off to Becky's right now, can't fucking wait.
Spiney capered from foot to foot like a Jester on a hot plate before heading to the exit of the changing rooms.
I shook my head good-naturedly and called after him.
Enjoy. And give her one from me mate!
He stopped in his tracks and looked back at me
Huh?
He looked confused as if Becky had said she thought things were moving too fast because he had borrowed another mans grease to line his face with for her.
I laughed
I said. Enjoy yer evening mate!
Cheerily I waved a puzzled Spiney off.
I hoped he found happiness with Becky tonight.
Even if she was a dog.