The good lady wanted to knuckle down with her Doula studying today. I made a face when she told me as I disagree with witchery and that kind of talismanic jiggery-pokery but we have unofficially agreed to pretend that nothing untoward is going on for the sake of our marriage.
To allow her this time I decided I would take the little cherubs to the Transport Museum which is a funky place for an afternoon in Glasgow. The little boom had been the happiest little fellow all morning. So had the little lady. I put her in the car seat first then buckled up the little boom second.
I waved cheerio to the good lady and started the engine. (Don't worry, it didn't explode)
We set off. We had been driving for about a minute when the little boom started crying. Myself and the little lady sang to him to calm him down. He was having none of it, however. Soon his crying progressed to screaming. The kind of screaming where it seemed like he was trying to cough up his intestines and chew on them.
Waaa ah ah ah ah eahahahah. Waaaaaaaaahhhhh wwhhehahahauu!
It sounded like an insane parrot had gotten into the back seat and was fighting an iguana.
By now I was on the motorway and had no means of stopping to calm him, we have a funky mirror so I could see he was relatively ok. Ok, as in he hadn't managed to tear off one of his own arms and use it to lever himself out of his car seat prison, that is.
Just ten minutes of this screaming hell to go then we can get out and I can see what is wrong with the little feller, I thought desperately.
The little lady must have sensed that my stress levels were still within manageable limits, Suddenly she started wailing too.
Eeeaaaaaaaaaaawwwwaaaaaaw, eeeaaaawwaaaaaawaaawaawwww.
What's wrong with you?!
I cried, just to add another loud voice to the mix.
I want out, I can't stand it anymore. Let me out. OUT OUT! EWEweueueuueuuauauauuauhh!
For a moment I had to check that the voice I had heard wasn't my internal monologue and was actually the little lady. Yep, it was her, not me.
I tried reasoning with her.
Darling, it's not long and then we will be there, can you calm down please? You are making the little boom worse?!
I AM NOT MAKING HIM WORSE. WAHAHAHHAHAAH HEEHAHHAHAHAHHEHHAW UEUUEUEUE UU UAUA
It's ok, I told myself. The whole day can't be like this.
We eventually got to the museum. The little lady professed that it was boring and moaned the entire way around. Little boom screamed and waahed no matter how many times his nappy was changed or he was fed.
Normally when I exit the house with the little boom in the hippy wrap and holding the little lady's hand the ladies swoon at such a modern man. No doubt fizzing up inside at the idea of such dad-hood. Today, however, all I got were pitying looks at best.
Eventually, I gave up and returned home. If I thought the outward journey was bad this one was worst, traffic was treacherous and the journey took twice as long as it should have.
I opened the front door of the house, frayed and broken.
The good lady had some music on and was sitting with a cup of tea and some chocolate watching a movie. Hmm, it didn't look very witchy?
She looked up as I came in with the now strangely quiet children.
Hey Daddy bear! I got lots done. How was your afternoon? Did you all enjoy yourself?
I forced a smile of midnight potato burying and full moons.
Oh yes, sweetheart. It was amazing.