Champion the wonder horse... Champion the Wonder Hoooooorse!!
I sat in the lounge as some ridiculous theme tune to some ancient TV show blared out of Alexa. It was sunny. The temperature was even threatening to get into double figures celsius today.
A freezing draught of cold air streamed steadily through the open back window along with the sound of the neighbour cutting something woody with something buzzy.
BZZZrrrrrrZZZZZZrrrrrrrwwwwwwwrrrrwwwwrrrrrZZZZZZZZ!
I shook my delicate head. What in the name of fuck was the neighbour up to? It was half-past nine. I hadn't even finished my first coffee yet.
My head pounded. I had overindulged on the wine last night.
I blamed The Handmaid's Tale. I and the Good Lady had started watching it and had gone full binge.
As a result, last night was a blur of wine and mysogny. I fought the urge to check my orders on Amazon as I had the distinct feeling I may have ordered the Good Lady a red cloak.
Hey, Daddy-Bear. You got a minute?
The Good Lady asked as she wandered into the room.
I snorted and looked up from the mess of foil and broken chocolate that surrounded me.
Too many eggs.
I grunted like a mad thing surrounded by tutting fat people.
The Good Lady made a half sympathetic, half disgusted face at the snuffling creature I had become.
Then stop eating them. When I said the kids had too many eggs, I didn't mean you to hoover up the excess?!
The Good Lady came over and snatched up the remaining eggs.
So, Daddy-Bear. Can we have a quick chat?
Even through the fog of a brutal hangover, my spidey-sense twitched and honked out a red alert to my brain.
Of course, my darling. What is it?
I said as smoothly as I could given that I was caked in stolen chocolate and smelled slightly over-ripe.
You have been on holiday from work for a week now and well, to be frank, you have drank every single night.
She made a face like a dog chewing liquorice.
Every night? Oh, come now milady. You do me a disservice? I haven't drank every night?
I attempted to make a pfft noise but my innards were too dry and instead all that came out was a sad sounding deflationary hiss.
Oh yes, it has been every single night. In fact, some nights you have been mad drunk.
She said this matter of factly as if talking to an imbecile who drank too much.
Mad drunk... Heh heh.
I chortled and tried to high five myself.
So, do you think you should have a dry night tonight?
She said this without the slightest hint of hilarity.
I sneaked a glance at my phone to make sure that I wasn't being April Fooled. Nope, it was the 3rd. No April Fool. Champion the Wonder Horse was still blaring.
I was either caught in a time loop of hell or it was on repeat.
Have a dry night tonight? A Saturday night? A holiday Saturday night? An Easter holiday weekend night? I... I... I don't think that's possible. It's against the law or something?
I twitched at the thought of not drinking on Easter Saturday.
The Good Lady cocked an impatient eyebrow at me.
There is no law. Think about it at least.
She got up from the half-crouch she had had to adopt to look into my bleary eyes and paced off.
BZZZrrrrrrZZZZZZrrrrrrrwwwwwwwrrrrwwwwrrrrrZZZZZZZZ!
The nieghbour's cutty saw thing blared on.
There is no law, eh?
If there was truly no law then maybe I would get up and go and ram the neighbour's chainsaw thing up his arse. There, that would show him.
I made a move to stand but flumped back down. Everything seemed to hurt.
He was definitely gonna get it but not right now.
Maybe tomorrow.
