I had a day off today! A splendid thing. What is one to do with a day off? Well, I asked my daughter what she would like to do. She was quite unequivocal in her answer. She wanted to go and see a
A snake thought I? Where the hell will I find a snake? Being Scotland, we don't have many running around wild. Not even little ones. There might be some adders in the highest peaks and glens but apart from that, nada.
I racked my brain. Ok, I didn't rack my brain. I googled it.
Ah, there we go. Ridiculously close by in one of the many, many parks which are scattered around Glasgow there is a Glasshouse, containing within a reptile house. Bingo!
So off we trotted.
In no time at all, we had found the Glasshouse and posed for a picture next to the giant panda wood carving outside. This was a fine day!
We entered the lizard house like Indiana Jones and that annoying little sidekick of his. No, not the monkey from that last awful film. It was hot. Somewhere a squawking thing squawked.
We perused the many tanks and cages containing sleepy animals of many descriptions. The snakes were scarce. Most of them seemed to be sleeping under bits of wood. Hmm, this is a bit pish.
Still, my daughter seemed to be quite entertained. We passed a tarantula tank. In the middle squatted a mean looking thing. I could almost feel its longing to leap out onto my face and make me eat its shit.
It's easy to be brave when the enemy is the size of your hand and trapped in a glass box.
Then we came to the Tortoise enclosure.
There were four of the little blighters. Darting about with a speed that belied their reputation.
My daughter jumped up and down with excitement.
Daddy, daddy, look! LOOK! What are they doing?
I looked askance at two of the tortoises. They were, to be blunt. Doing the do. The male seemed to be having a right old time of it. Chasing the lady tortoise with his wang and attempting to stick it anywhere in her shell.
Well darling, they are, ahem, making babies.
The next minute was spent with me trying to answer her excited questions without resorting to a potty mouth. It's quite hard to do and I was proud of my Daddy self for being so tactful. Suddenly, behind me a nasal voice boomed.
WTFZ?
Daddy, what's a mad shagger?
WTFZZZZ!?!?
*note, shag, if you do not already know is a quaint term for the sexy sexy, that is ahem. To fornicate.
I glared at the neddy* dude who had sidled up beside me with a snottery mess of a child in his arms.
*ned, a rough fellow. A degenerate scamp if you will.
Never mind, darling, that man was just being silly.
The bold yin is getting right intae it! - Exclaimed the neddy interloper excitedly.
I shot him another withering look. He seemed to be getting right into it. Wanker.
By now he was hopping from foot to foot, his eyes agog. It looked as if the neddy chap was about to get a semi* and maybe try and join in for a wild tortoise threesome. I hurriedly shooed my daughter on to the next display.
*Semi - Glasgow talk for a semi erect penis.
Fortunately she was so caught up with excitement she seemed to have forgotten all about what a mad shagger was. I breathed a sigh of relief and we carried on with the rest of our day. Soon we went home and all was forgotten in the mad stampede for dinner. I congratulated myself for having manoeuvred my little ladies thoughts onto other things.
Later we sat down to dinner. My daughter breathlessly regaled her mummy with all of the animals we had seen. I chewed contentedly. Then my blood froze.
Mummy? What's a mad shagger?
My good lady splorfed some food out of her mouth. She stared at me. I stared back. Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound. I smiled.
Yes Mummy,do tell?
