Daddy-Bear, one of your presents is at the Post Office and they close at two o'clock!
The Good Lady was looking at her phone in some consternation.
I looked at the clock, it was half one. The Post Office was only five minutes away in the car. Ha, silly Good Lady, why was she getting her knickers in a twist?
Fear not my little purple poppet, I shall hop in the car, pick it up and be back in a jiffy!
I said with a flourish as if all of life's little problems could be solved by me popping out to the car and coming back in a jiffy.
The Good Lady looked stricken.
But Daddy-Bear... It's Christmas Eve!?
She ran over to the window and looked out at the rain and clouds as if expecting to see a sea of furious Elephant's rampaging through the streets, pinning random strangers down and fingering them.
Big deal. It's still early. It's fine.
I smiled at her the way Zorro would smile at an unsliced Parma ham.
She held her hands to the side of her mouth and looked at me with hope and fear.
Ok, Daddy-Bear. If you say so.
She sighed.
I cocked my hips at her like a dude from a nineties boy band and laughed.
See you in twenty minutes, lass.
One hour later I gazed cheerily out of the car windscreen at the smeary blur of tail-lights on the road ahead. The Post Office was at the end of a small network of roads. I had made it in alright and picked up the parcel but on the way out the roads were log jammed with traffic.
Someone behind me impatiently tooted their horn again.
I flicked a glance at them in the rear-view mirror. They gesticulated angrily at me as if annoyed that I hadn't engaged Sherman Tank mode and flattened the cars in front with my awesome treads.
I rolled the window down and leaned out.
BITE MY FUCKING BANGER?!
I yelled as Christmas'ily as I could.
I wound the window back up and waited patiently for the traffic to move.
Much to my surprise, a shape materialised at the window beside me.
It was the dude from the car behind me who had been tooting his horn, he was standing outside my door waving his hands about.
He looked as if he was being attacked by invisible seagulls.
I wound the window down a little.
What is it?
I asked with no little amount of curiosity.
What did you say to me?
The fellow growled belligerently.
I made a face, the one I always make when dealing with simpletons.
I said, What is it?
I know you said that. I mean what did you say a minute ago?!
The fellow snapped.
I did my thinking face. It was the same as my slightly painful poo'ing face. Then I remembered.
Oh, that. I said, bite my fucking banger. You know, because you were tooting your horn like an arsehole?
The plucky fellow took a step backwards in what seemed like disbelief.
WHAT? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!
I sighed. I think the chap was a little slow up top.
I said, bite my fucking banger.
NOT THAT BIT. THE OTHER BIT?!
The fellow had turned a deep purple now. Like a hideously veined and engorged penis chewing parsley.
What other bit?
I asked in puzzlement.
The bit where you called me a fucking ARSEHOLE?!
The chap shouted as if possessed by the yet undead Brian Blessed.
Ahead of me, the cars started moving.
I smiled at the man.
Love to stay and chat but look, the traffic is moving... Toodlepip!
I drove off, behind me the invisible seagulls looked to be attacking the man again as I saw him flail and stagger about in the rearview mirror.
I arrived home with the parcel in hand. The Good Lady smiled as I entered the lounge.
Oh you got it! No problems then?
I grinned, thinking of the arsehole with the tooty horn and seagull problem.
Nah, I told you. It was fine.