It's Hogmanay! For the non-Scottish, that means New Year's Eve!
What a silly word eh? Well, the word might be silly but the notion of Hogmanay is very important in Scotland. Hogmanay is a special time of festive cheer, family, friends and of course...
Scotland loves to drink. It's in the blood of the very mountains on which we run naked in the Spring.
Because the Scots love to drink so much. Hogmanay has some special rituals for us. I have taken the liberty of outlining them below.
At about eleven AM your average Scotsman will look longingly at the clock and ask his partner/Mum,
Is it too early to have a drink?
They will follow this up with a hey, I'm just joking laugh, even though they most assuredly are not.
They will pick at their food half-heartedly, they will joke several times about having a wee drink to bring in the New Year. They will only manage to eat about half of their lunch before claiming that they are no longer hungry.
Their partner/Mum will insist that they clean half the house and finish putting up the shelf in the spare room that they started in July.
The Scotsman will rage at this injustice and swear with great wroth about doing it tomorrow.
The lady of the house will fold their arms and say sweetly.
After you do that, you could have a wee drink?
The Scotsman will cackle and smack his hands together before shouting DRINK! and then throwing himself at the task with gusto.
The Scotsman will return from cleaning, covered in dust and smeddom but glorious in victory.
He has his first drink.
Many shouts are shouted shoutily!
The Scotsman is happy at last.
.
.
The Scotsman is gimlet eyed and swaying.
Am awrite! Am awrite, jus no hungry the noo. Ah wull just have another wee beer.
His partner/Mum will chastise him and tell him he has to line his stomach so that he lasts till the bells.
Reluctantly, the Scotsman agrees and sits down to dinner. Despondently he pushes the traditional Scottish food around on his plate before announcing grumpily.
How can we no have a curry?
His partner/Mum will snap.
Cos it's fucking New Year.
Finally, Dinner is done and early evening arrives proper. The Scotsman, who now sounds decidedly French, starts on the Whisky.
The singing has been going on for some time. The Scotsman is now beyond drunk. It is round about this time in the evening that the fire of Scotland will flare in the Scotsman's chest and he will flail around looking for an Englishman to * batter.
*Batter, to give a good beating to and not in a sexy party kind of way.
His partner/Mum will demand he calms down, eats something to line his stomach and prepares for the bells (midnight.) The Scotsman, mumbling something about William Wallace and Freedom, reluctantly has some peanuts.
The sounds of people celebrating on TV and beyond blare out. The partner/Mum of the Scotsman is dancing in the middle of the floor with the pizza delivery guy.
The Scotsman slumbers in his chair. Soft snores punctuating the noise of the hootenanny from the TV.
The Scotsman lumbers into the Kitchen. Eyes like Alsatians testicles. He sheepishly walks over to his partner/Mum and gives her a big hug and wishes her a Happy New Year.
He apologises for Getting a bit mad wi' it last night.
His partner/Mum wishes him a Happy New Year back whilst guiltily brushing some mozzarella from her hair.
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Well. That might be how your average Scotsman does it. But this year I am going to buck the trend!!
That's right. I started drinking at midday!
Happy New Year to all of you. 2018 is going to be awesome for Steem and Steemit!
