Don't you think that ears look like vaginas?
Asked my mate Daz as he looked off into the distance at something I couldn't see.
I thought for a moment and took a sip of my coffee.
Old ears, maybe?
I mused.
Myself and Daz were in the usual Park cafe that we had haunted so regularly before his third child was born. It was good to see him. I had missed our deep and philosophical discussions.
Not the waxy ones, though. Like dogs ears, they don't look like them.
He said, his face creasing slightly at the thought of a dog-eared vagina being a thing.
I shuddered slightly.
Yeah, not dogs ears. They are minging.
We both nodded and stared out over the duck pond for some moments. Daz seemed quite quiet and reflective. I guess that's what having a third child does to you. Burns out your soul.
Like those pigs ears you get for dogs to chew?
I ventured.
Ha, aye. Like them. Well, after three kids defo.
Daz snorted.
He sounded a little bitter. It can be a terrible thing this burden of manhood at times. I felt for him.
You been down there then?
I asked subtly.
Aye.
Replied Daz softly. His gaze went long again and he seemed very far away.
She is talking about a fourth?
He whispered as if hardly able to believe the words coming out of his own mouth.
A fourth?! But that's mental. Imagine the chaos? I struggle with two and you are talking four?!?
My mind recoiled at the thought. One day I dreamed that I would get some of my life back, sleep for starters would be good. Followed by being able to eat a full plateful of food without someone screaming that something wasn't fair and/or having food thrown at me.
I said it was chaotic enough with three to her, she said she loves the chaos.
He shook his head.
I joined in and shook mine.
You want my advice mate? Don't shag her. Ever again. Problem solved.
Daz looked startled at such out of the box problem solvery.
Steady on mate, am no going through the rest of my life without a shag?
I put a hand reassuringly on his shoulder.
Well, we could buy you some of those pigs ears?
We laughed and for a blissful moment, it seemed like we didn't live in a world full of ravenous vaginas and angry wives demanding more children inserted into them.
