We are thinking of offering some of our most essential personnel a chance to get back into the office.
El-Jefe's face gleamed from my screen with barely concealed glee like an Otter who has discovered that by lying on his back in deep water and flipping his tail in a certain way he can both furiously masturbate and not drown.
Don't say it.
I said, making a growly-wowly-if-I-were-bear-I-would-eat-you kind of face.
Don't say whaaaat?
El-Jefe chortled holding his hands out to the side.
Don't say it. That's what.
I looked heavenward as if my attic ceiling was going to burst open and a pair of voluptuous lady-angels were going to drop in and rescue me from all of this with their feathery booben.
BoomDawg, I have to say it. That's why I'm calling.
For a moment El-Jefe almost looked compassionate as if he too felt things like us mere mortals.
I felt the stirrings of a connection to him before the memory of him eating the hot wings at the Christmas party resurfaced and chased it away.
No. You don't. Don't say it.
I'm going to say it.
No, you're not. Don't do it. Don't be that man.
BoomDawg...
El-Jefe paused and gathered a breath before ploughing on.
As I said... We are thinking of extending our key working personnel. You know, letting some people come back to the office...
He paused again.
I thought you might be interested in the opportunity?
He finished, and clasped his hands together for a right good thumb twiddling.
The opportunity...?
I said slowly.
Um, yes?
Murmured El-Jefe still staring down at his twiddling thumbs as if he were expecting a third one to appear and for them to announce themselves as the Holy Trinity.
What, an opportunity to catch the virus?
I snapped.
No, no, no. Not to catch the virus! No, we have made things safe in the office. Moved the desks two meters apart. Hand sanitizer all over the place, you know? It's perfectly safe.
He said reasonably.
It felt like he was a first world war General trying to convince me to go over the top and that it would all be fine.
Aye you going in?
I glared at him through my webcam.
Who me? No. You joking?
He looked up from his thumbs in bafflement at the very idea.
Well, if you are not going in then neither am I.
I turned slightly sideward and folded my arms as if rapping about my ride in downtown LA.
It's a very good opportunity?
He mewed unhappily at me from his screen.
Nope.
To confuse him, I nodded whilst refusing.
Fine. Don't say you didn't get the chance.
He disconnected.
I laughed.
Silly me, refusing such a generous offer. After all, it's not often you get a chance to die for IT.