I sat down tentatively at the breakfast table. The Good Lady was humming a tune softly behind me at the stove. My skin rippled and twitched on the back of my neck.
There was something terribly wrong.
I sneaked a look at the missus. She seemed all normal which in itself was worrying.
Before I could turn back, she turned and smiled bewitchingly.
Sup, Daddy-Bear? You are going to like this!
She quickly whipped a plate of nonsensical horror food in front of me, it's very stench stirring feelings of heaving disgust...
Hang on... The things on the plate looked alright actually. In fact, they looked a little... appetising?
Whassis?
I poked at it, with a fork.
The Good Lady made a face at my suspicion as if a Badger had crawled right up her chuff and made a nest in her Eisenhower.
Then she grinned an evil grin and raised her hands up as if she was a puppet master in a seventeenth-century prison.
Mohohowhaaar. It is Sausage and eggs, Daddy-Bear... BLOOD SAUSAGE!!!
At this, she flapped her arms around like a vampire chicken in the sun.
I think the overall effect was meant to be scary.
Woo. Blood sausage. How utterly terrifying.
I said, as calmly as if I was passing one of those slidey shits that just sort of wafts out.
BLOOOOOOD Sausaaaaaaage...
The Good Lady intoned again, her hands now flapping around her head like bats caught in a massive spiders web.
Yeah, right. There is no way you would cook Blood Sausage, it's too meaty for you. What is it really?
I poked the incredibly tasty looking blood sausage thing with my fork again.
Grrmmph.
The Good Lady made a face like a mouse kebab'd on a breadstick at my disbelief.
Fine then, It's vegan Blood Sausage. It's made with black beans and other things. It has got lots of protein and fibre.
As she spoke I raised one of the matte black finger things to my mouth and bit into it.
My eyes sprung wide open and I made an odd noise.
The Good Lady growled low in her throat.
Let me guess. You don't like it and you are just going to have coffee for your breakfast and run out the door.
She grumped.
I looked at her and chewed slowly, then raised another bit of the blackness to my mouth and bit into it. I chewed that bit too and then swallowed.
I looked down at my plate at the blood sausage, it appeared to look back at me. Perhaps when you gaze into the blood sausage, the blood sausage also gazes into you?
Mmmm mmmm. That's actually lovely?
I exclaimed in utter astonishment.
The Good Lady smiled as if she had lain one of her precious eggs into a cardboard box filled with straw.
Really? You really like it?
I do! I really do.
I grabbed one of the remaining Blood sausages and stood.
But I do have to go. I have an appointment with the boss today in my new job and it might be just the break in this case that I need.
Before the Good Lady could say anything, I was gone in a twirl of coat-tails and detective hattery.
I walked slowly to work munching on the sausage clenched tight in my fist in case the Seagulls came at me again.
The Big Boss had asked me to his office today, I suspected he was going to ask me to join his organisation. Maybe he thought I fitted in. Maybe Drybore had put in a word for me?
El Jefe, my real paymaster had told me to do what it takes to find out what had happened to our guys. I already suspected they had been killed and turned into zombies via some dark magic inserted via their rusty ronson's.
Today looked like the day I was going to find out.
Ahead I could see the office. I started to whistle.
Then something hard crashed into my back and I was launched into the air, the world spinning over and over, the remaining bit of blood Sausage tumbling out of my mouth and dancing around me as I spun seemingly in slow motion before hitting the ground.
I tried to open my eyes then the blood sausage landed hard on my head.
Everything went black.