SNITCH!!!
I rubbed my head where it had been struck. A myriad of hands grabbed at me and hauled me up from the floor.
This was it then. My cover blown immediately. I had barely made it in the door and now I was going to get whacked. I wondered how they would do it. Shoot me in the head? Throw me from a high place? Masturbate me to death with a milking machine?
I could only hope it was the last one. The world had not seen enough of my jizzums.
Hey, sorry about that! You were meant to catch it.
I opened my eyes and stood fully upright. The hands that had pulled me to my feet retreated now, hopefully to get the milking machine.
The guy talking was in his thirties. Cheery looking, with an open face and welcoming smile. I instantly disliked him. Friendly-looking fucking bastard, I thought. I vowed I wouldn't die without punching him square in the balls first.
As I prepared to unleash the iron hand, I remembered my cover. Best play along just in case this wasn't a busted flush.
Erm, catch what?
I rubbed my head and groaned as if I were a flat-earther reading a school science book.
The cheery guy extended a hand.
Sorry. Totally sorry. What a fucking mess to start you off with. You the new guy, right? I'm Guy this is Nad.
He waved at another cheery looking chap beside him who was quite ridiculously and casually handsome.
I narrowed my eyes at his insulting handsome-osity. Inwardly, I seethed. Fucking handsome bastard, I bet he's never had to beg for a blowjob.
Guy passed me something golden coloured.
Here, this is the snitch.
The object now in my hands was a gold-coloured pencil case with wings crudely stenciled on the side.
I made that open-mouthed breathing face that cats make when they have smelt something funky, like socks that have had penises inside them.
What is it?
I croaked suspiciously.
Open it and see but first, let's walk and talk. We will show you to your desk.
Nad threw a handsome hand around my shoulder and gently guided me towards a set of double doors at the back of the reception area.
I fumbled with the zip on the snitch. Inside was a work pass and an Amazon gift card.
Oddly, the Amazon gift card and to have the numbers 5 and 0 side by side on it. And a "£" sign. My heart spobbed in my chest.
What the fuck, had they just given me free money? This was like the total opposite of killing me?
I smiled weakly at them as we walked.
So you don't have hot desks then?
I ventured as we passed through an airy atrium that appeared to have real trees in it. Underneath the green canopy, people lounged on bamboo chairs eating apples and pecking at at sleek, silvery laptops.
Hot desks? Oh, fuck no. Who the fuck wants that? It's really bad for productivity. People like to have a base, wouldn't you say?
I nodded like an old dog lying on a beach on a sunny day.
Yes, I, I do agree actually.
Moments later we stopped at a small group of desks beside some floor to ceiling windows. We seemed to have miraculously gone up several floors although I didn't recollect climbing any stairs.
Outside the windows a small river burbled along. I felt a strange lightness in my chest. It was almost like happiness.
This is you!
Chirped Guy as if he had a high paying, stress-free job and a big house with his mortgage all paid off.
I swallowed or at least tried to. My mouth seemed awfully dry.
Wow. I mean, eh, yeah, cool.
Nad reached over and gave me a playful tap in the shoulder.
We sit just over there, any issues, give us a shout. Oh and the vending machines are free if you feel peckish. Also, yeah, your login details are on a post-it note there. Just chill and familiarise yourself with everything. We'll catch up later, yeah?
I nodded and sat down, watching them leave.
I looked at my surroundings. It was all very nice. Very nice indeed.
I wasn't falling for it though. I bet a butt-plug enjoyed being rubbed with oil before it was inserted right up someone's back snarler.
I shuddered slightly.
It didn't matter how much they buttered me up. I wasn't getting inserted anywhere...