Where are we going, Daddy?
The Little Boom enquired happily from the back seat of the car where he was enthusiastically decorating the seat with cracker crumbs as he ate.
Well, young man. We are headed out to Balgray reservoir. It is very scenic. Lots of wildlife apparently. It should be fun!
I cackled madly whilst swerving around the narrow country roads of Scotland that would make an Italian bus driver weep.
Will there be penguins?
The Little Boom loved penguins. If the world had nothing but Penguins he would be a happy chap. At least until dinner time and some momma penguin slopped a couple of dead fish on his plate. He wouldn't be so happy then I would wager.
No penguins, little dude. I think there might be herons and stuff.
I said this with the blind confidence of a man who isn't entirely sure of what a heron actually was.
What's a hewon?
He rumpled his face as he sounded out this new word.
Um, some kind of waterbird perhaps? Maybe eats fish. No bigger than an Ox I would say. Imagine! Fish leaping out of the lake and birds and other crazy wild animals snapping them up and running about like mad! This is going to be amazeballs!
I chuckled happily to myself. These were truly the finest days.
And here we are!
I swung the car into a remote car park and looked about.
Oh.
It was a bit barren. I mean, what the double funks? Was this Chernobyl? Had I unwittingly slipped through time and space and ended up in a nuclear wasteland?
Come to think of it there had been a bit of a bump down the road a bit. Was that it?
Come on, little dude. Let's see the amazing wildlife!
I maintained a positive attitude. This was just the car park. Sure, there were overhead power lines and a train track nearby but the reservoir itself was bound to be top-notch.
After all, the Good Lady had sent me here and thrown all manner of amazing photos my way. She wouldn't give us a bum steer, surely?
We grabbed our supplies, which for the Little Boom consisted of a lunch box and for me a large serrated blade and some emergency flares.
It was Glasgow after all.
We rounded a corner. I couldn't see the reservoir but I could smell the acrid tang of water and hear the mad squawking of many winged things.
Come on dude, just at the top of this hill!
We cleared the top of the hill and looked excitedly ahead.
Daddy, what is that smell? And where is the wezewahr?
The Little Boom looked a little taken aback at the sight before us.
Fear not youngster, I can see the water! Look, there!
I lifted him up so he could see the dank gleam of something that might be water in the distance.
We trudged on.
Come on young padawan, not far now!
I tried to gee up the Little Boom who was starting to complain that he was getting tired and that he was hungry.
No doubt if he was older he would have added that it was shit but thankfully, he wasn't at that stage yet.
As we got nearer the mythical water the ground beneath us started to change from a blasted Martian Landscape to a cracked and dusty terrain like the back of an eighty-year-old's hand.
The promise of water lured us on. By now, the air was slightly hazy with a weird stench. At first from a distance, I had assumed it was the bountiful smell of nature. Animals in the raw. But no. It seemed apparent that the stench was that of broken dead sea-things.
Dusty broken shells now littered the ground and the water was no nearer.
Still we marched.
Soon, clouds of midges buzzed us and the air itself became hard to breathe.
I looked at the little guy resolutely plodding on.
Fuck this.
Hey, little guy. Shall we sack this and go get ice cream?
The Little Boom gratefully nodded and together we fled from Death Valley's second rate cousin.
Fuck you Scotland
