Shall we take the kids to Almond Valley today? The Good Lady said with a dreamy air as if she had just discovered self-raising flour in the cupboard. Ugh, I hate farms, baby. It's always the same old shit.

This one's a par five. Nink nonk, pinky ponk. Nonker muttered happily as he shimmied his hips up before the ball as if he were attempting to entice a male of the species for his seed. I rolled my eyes

What are you up to? The Good Lady looked suspiciously at me as I tromped out of the garage bearing an oversized pole with a saw on the end of it. Killin. I replied with a gleeful smile on my face as if

Boomy, with me. El-Jefe beckoned me like an evil hatstand and started walking toward one of the nearby meeting pods. I rolled my eyes. I wasn't in the mood for this today. I had millions to do and the

Hey, where have you been you bastardingly handsome cavalier of a man? I hear you cry. Well, what a splendid welcome. Thank you! Who am I talking to? Myself. Oh my. Well, my middle name does happen to be

Hey, look at this! The Good Lady waggled her phone at me as if it were a beagle with big ears and we were playing at Shake the Beagle till it BURPS!™ I looked somewhat disdainfully at her phone. I couldn't

Ugh. It was unusually dark in my bedroom. Cold too. I rolled out of bed rubbing at my hands for a while and grumbling softly to myself. Even my bed seemed hard and cold this morning. Is this what getting

You got your Lotto tickets on for tonight? My mate Daz raised a pint of beer appreciatively at me as he said this and clinked it to my pint. I took a deep slurp of the amber nectar, it was a fine pint.

See that? I looked up to see Wee Yellow sidle over to my desk talking out the side of his mouth as if he suffered a stroke and had come over to my area to piss himself. See what? I murmured softly as I

My phone softly pinged. I swiped the notification away and with a heavy heart, slowly stood. Guy's, it's time. I called out to the family dotted about the house. No one answered, although somewhere, I

Afternoon ladies. Just passing through, don't mind me. I breezed through the lounge where the Good Lady was holding court with several of her friends. I recognised one of them as Ollette a screeching goth

Hey, Boom. How you been? One of my colleagues, Londo, sidled up to my desk and greeted me out of the side of his mouth as if we were Gnagsters from the roaring twenties talking about some crazy cat down

It seemed like just another day as a humdrum dad in a humdrum neighbourhood but little did I know what the events of the day would bring. It started out innocuously enough. My family gathered around the

None of us like it. Proclaimed Barky, a shambling upright otter of a woman. Yes, it's not right. We can't be expected to put up with this? Almost shouted Burton. His face reddening with the stress of having

Boom, come here? El-Jefe towered over my desk like a large bathtub of solidified porridge. S'up Boss-Dawg? I said chirpily as I raised myself up from my chair to follow his beckoning pork medallion of

Listen, I have asked Vanetta to pop round after school for a playdate with the Little Boom. That ok? The Good Lady asked in that way of ladies who ask things but never require a question mark. Vanetta...

I suppose you have heard. Scooper my occasional gym buddy said as he dried himself a little over vigorously with his towel. I too was drying myself but with more aplomb. Heard what? I presumed he was going

Well, that was unexpected! The Good Lady lowered herself into the car seat beside me with a puzzling wince. I stopped playing intergalactic space pilot in my head and took my hands off the wheel to look

Definitely wine tonight. Legata, a frosty-haired, sharp-nailed colleague of mine smiled as she said this. Her smile was bright with menace as if when she talked about wine she meant some kind of soft

It's not morally acceptable to wear leather these days. Von Humphing leaned forward and fingered the lapel of my jacket with a frown. A bunch of us had decided to go to the pub for a few pints after work.