What are you up to?
The Good Lady looked suspiciously at me as I tromped out of the garage bearing an oversized pole with a saw on the end of it.
Killin.
I replied with a gleeful smile on my face as if I were feeding porridge to a bull.
Killing. Killing what?
She said, swaying back as the end of my Halberdish garden tool swung around menacingly in the air.
That fucking tree that is blocking my sun. I told you. I told you it was getting it and today my friend is the day!
I did a little happy dance like a Flat Earth YouTuber watching a SpaceX test flight explode as it hit the dome that encases the Earth.
Wait, didn't we agree that that wasn't our tree and it only looks like our tree because it overhangs into our garden so much? I thought we were going to leave it.
The Good Lady looked nervously at the bushy behemoth that lurked menacingly over our garden. Its dread shadow spreading across half of my manor.
No, woman. I cannot allow this abomination to live. Yesterday I only had my top off for half an hour before it spread its sickening gloom over my spot. Not on. Nopeski.
I hefted my pole-saw and stood to attention, like a knitter hearing about incoming yarn price increases.
But, it might be dangerous. Shouldn't we get quotes from a tree surgeon or two?
She wrung her hands and to my astonishment, the juice of crushed man-dreams did not drip from them.
I cast her a stern gaze.
Lady. I do not pay someone to come in and wipe my arse so I am not going to pay some random man to come in and murder a fucking tree for me. No, this one is all mine.
I cackled crackily like crispy chicken skin.
Still, it's awfully tall. Will you promise to be careful?
The Good Lady sounded whimsically nervous as if not quite believing how much my life insurance actually amounted to.
I make no promises darlin. When it comes to killin' nothing's off the table.
I cut off any further discussion with a wave of my pole saw and set off to the part of the garden where Yggdrasil's annoying sibling stretched out overhead.
I looked up at the tree, it was a massive bastard and no mistake. Not massive like a Giant Redwood but still, it was a fucker. I could almost feel the tree chortle as it looked at my little pole saw with woody mirth.
Its merriment tailed off as I laid the Pole Saw down and pulled out my Spear and Jackson Predator wood saw.
Not so fucking funny now, eh? Ya bastard.
I leapt up its trunk like a saw-wielding ninja cat and the cutting began.
The tree fought back valiantly. Branches whipped at my face and bugs fell into my mouth as I screamed myself hoarse with battle rage but eventually, its struggles stilled as I ripped off the last of its limbs.
My breath came in great gulping gasps as I hauled myself out of the tangle of branches, bird nests and felled forest that now stood where the tree once had. I was covered in innumerable scratches, cuts and a weird bruise on my sexiest thigh.
Somewhere in the fog of war, I had lost the Pole-Saw but still, I clung grimly to the Predator.
Wanker.
I snorted as I kicked one of the tree's bigger sawed-off limbs before swaggering out to the family who had been watching the bloody fight with open mouths of awe.
Daddy. What have you done?
The children wailed in horror at the devastation I had wrought.
I nodded grimly.
I did what I had to kids. I did what I had to.
I paced off to the kitchen where I kept the secret cigars.
One day, it would all make sense to them. One day.
Update: I made a song to go with the post. With AI!! HOT DAMN, it's good!!
