After my friend shared his girlfriend's troubling story with me, I struggled to voice my objective opinions. Instead, I offered the kind of sympathetic remarks a well-meaning person would use to comfort him, wanting to avoid adding fuel to the fire of the situation.
Apparently, they had been in a relationship for a long time, dating as far back as their undergraduate days, without any major disagreements or misunderstandings that would threaten their bond. However, the current issue is much more intense than anything I could have resolved with my pep talks like several others. Unfortunately, I am close to both parties—it's almost like one friend dating another friend—putting me in a difficult position. I find myself torn between them and consciously reluctant to take sides, a balancing act that panned out complicated in the long run.
My friend's girlfriend, Tolu, is someone who expresses herself through her clothing; what she wears is often influenced by her mood and the weather, which can come off as immodest depending on the environment and culture. According to Timmy (not the guy's real name), Tolu went to a neighbor's apartment, someone who had recently moved in, to charge her phone, only to be sexually assaulted by him.
During police questioning after the man was arrested, he claimed, “Tolu dressed scantily to his apartment to seduce him into sleeping with her under the pretext of charging her phone".
I believe that Tolu is anything but not a seductress. I genuinely know that her intentions were misinterpreted by that criminal. Still, I found myself blaming her for inviting misfortune upon herself. I thought, "If only she had worn something more appropriate," and, "Even if she felt hot, she shouldn’t have dressed so revealingly when visiting a stranger's home." In doing so, I overlooked a crucial reality: dressing modestly or immodestly doesn't stop an abuser.
For some time after the incident, I struggled to be there for Tolu because I felt angry with her and even more so with Timmy for not seeing beyond the mess that had erupted in their relationship. My strong belief that "the way you dress is the way you're addressed" dominated my thoughts in the wake of Tolu's pain. However, one day, while returning home after a tough day, I was approached by an Agbero (a term used for a Lagos tout). I asked myself, "What attracted me to him?" but I had no answer, especially since I was wearing something rather unattractive that day.
What is destined to happen will indeed happen, regardless of how one dresses. My conviction that dressing a certain way dictates how one will be treated is no longer a belief I hold. Everyone deserves to be respected, irrespective of what they wear; even the madman roaming your street deserves that much. Ultimately, we are all first "Human" before we are defined by our clothing choices.
©️ Medemausi 🌟
All pictures are mine.
