Chapter 6: The Worst Ambassadors Return to Rome
The Great Chief kept his word.
Fakir Antantos and Fukur Salamantan were given fine Gaulish clothing.
From a distance, they looked like genuine Gauls.
At least on the outside.
Inside, they were still the same two idiots.
Before their journey began, they were taken to a nearby stream to wash.
For the first time in days, they had a chance to clean themselves.
Fakir stared proudly at his reflection in the water.
Then he puffed out his chest.
“Fukur…”
Fukur didn’t answer.
“Rome is finally going to witness our greatness.”
Fukur looked at Fakir.
Then at the water.
Then back at Fakir.
Only one thought crossed his mind.
“The gods are definitely punishing me.”
Once they had cleaned themselves, the journey began.
Their destination was clear.
The capital of Rome.
A small group of Gaulish warriors accompanied them as escorts.
Days passed.
Then weeks.
Finally, they reached Roman territory.
And one morning…
The massive walls of Rome appeared on the horizon.
Fakir could barely contain his excitement.
As they approached the gates, the guards studied them carefully.
Then their eyes widened.
One soldier nudged another.
“No way…”
“Is that really them?”
“It is.”
The guards burst into laughter.
“Look! Our idiots are back!”
Fakir immediately became offended.
He stepped forward and pointed dramatically.
“We are not Romans anymore!”
The guards fell silent.
Fakir continued.
“To hell with Rome!”
Fukur closed his eyes.
“Here we go…”
he whispered.
“We are Gauls now!”
“And we bring a message from the Great Chief!”
“We request the honor of delivering it personally to Augustus!”
The guards were laughing so hard they could barely breathe.
Then suddenly, movement spread through the gate.
The guards immediately straightened up.
Spears struck the ground.
Trumpets sounded.
Everyone stepped aside.
Fukur’s face turned pale.
Because he knew exactly who was approaching.
Emperor Augustus himself.
Augustus studied the pair for several seconds.
Then a small smile appeared on his face.
“Let them enter.”
The guards exchanged confused looks.
But an emperor’s order was an emperor’s order.
The great gates of Rome opened.
Trumpets sounded once again.
A full legion escort entered and ceremonially guided the two “Gaulish ambassadors” into the city.
Fakir had never felt so important in his life.
Fukur remained silent.
He was still keeping the vow he had made not to speak until they reached Rome.
For two days, they were treated as honored guests.
Banquets…
Tours…
Comfortable rooms…
Fakir never once questioned why.
Fukur grew more suspicious with every passing hour.
On the third day, a summons arrived.
The Emperor wished to see them.
On the way to the palace, Fukur finally spoke.
“Listen carefully.”
Fakir nodded.
“You are not going to say a single word.”
“Why?”
“Because if you speak, we die.”
Fakir laughed.
Fukur did not.
“By Mars himself, I swear…”
“If you speak, I’ll kill you before anyone else can.”
For the first time, Fakir looked worried.
The doors of the throne room opened.
They entered.
Augustus sat upon his throne.
Senators lined both sides of the hall.
Everyone was waiting.
Fukur took a deep breath.
At last, he broke his silence.
“Your Majesty Augustus…”
he began.
“We left Rome on a mission.”
“During our travels, we encountered many villages and tribes.”
“And we gathered valuable information.”
Fakir listened in amazement.
Fukur continued.
“I do have a letter that must be delivered.”
“But before presenting it, I would like to share some observations regarding how Gaul may act in the future.”
The senators leaned forward.
For the first time in his life, people were actually taking Fukur seriously.
Everything was going perfectly.
Until Fakir couldn’t hold himself back.
He leaned toward Fukur.
“Wait a minute…”
Fukur’s eyes widened.
“What are you doing?”
Fakir spoke even louder.
“But aren’t we Gauls now?”
The entire hall fell silent.
Fakir continued.
“Why are you helping our enemy?”
Every senator was now on his feet.
Fukur’s face turned bright red.
He wasn’t joking.
His hand was already reaching for his sword.
At that exact moment, Augustus rose from his throne.
The room froze.
The Emperor calmly spoke.
“I believe…”
he said.
“…all of you have forgotten where you are.”
Instant silence.
Fukur slowly removed his hand from his sword.
Fakir still had absolutely no idea what he had done wrong.
And then Augustus began to smile.
Because for the first time…
He had heard something far more entertaining than politics.
To Be Continued…
