Dear Hive diary… Hello there after another few months of my life, good to see you again. Those occasional checkups have become a modus operandi of mine, I have to say. There’s plenty of stuff happening at all times, but trying to synthesize it all from time to time helps not to lose it completely!
It’s somewhat ironic that I am again writing this while being sick. Last Saturday we went to a wedding with my girlfriend, and on Tuesday i started to feel unwell. Wednesday was pretty harsh and in the evening I tested positively for COVID. I spent the rest of this week mostly laying in the bed and resting. Today I finally feel better—good enough to write down this post.
Last time we’ve seen each other I was describing my struggles finding a job and my doubts whether I even wanted it—a regular “9-5” tob. I still don’t know if I wanted it, but I needed it and finally I found it. And not only one, but two…
In May I started a new job as a Software Developer in a local company building software for car mechanics and shops offering parts for cars. The business domain is not something I’d normally be interested in, but at the same time its interesting because of this very reason.
The company has been building the software for over 20 years now, so there are many layers—layers of legacy too. Basically we are building a modern PWA app with a GraphQL API, but underneath it communicates through an HTTP protocol with a Windows-native app that has been developed for two decades.
It’s a very specific mixture of modern technologies and some legacy software that powers it behind the door. As you can imagine, this brings many specific and unique issues to solve. I treat it as an interesting journey and a good way to learn—both from the technical point of view, as well as business-wise.
Money-wise it’s not as colorful, unfortunately. I can only blame myself, but because my searching for job took much longer than I expected, I depleted my savings much more than I wanted to, and when the offer came I had very little room to negotiate or even ditch it completely and look elsewhere. I was also just tired.
First, I had to accept a 3-month-long “trial period” during which I was offered a slightly lower salary than I asked for. And all that despite the fact that my original quota was already much, much lowered when compared to what I earned in my previous job. At the same time cost of living skyrocketed in Poland, which I (and many others) feel every day. So effectively I got much poorer.
But hey, at least I have a job now with a stable source of income, which pays my bills and lets me think of other things, such as…
In my last post I mentioned a friend reached out to me with an idea to start a company. A lot has happened during these few months. Our three spent countless hours on brainstorming our business model, preparing our offer, solving 1001 legal things such as preparing legal documents, incorporating our company, visiting notary quite a few times…
And all that while also building visual identity, working on our website, social media and some products that we also want to offer. Such an intense time it’s crazy when I think about. But what a journey, too! The amount of new things that I learn every day is mind-blowing.
Business wise it’s not all daisies and sunshine, though. We’ve got a couple solid ideas for more SaaS-like products that we want to build and offer, and I’ve been trying to work on them in the so-called meantime. The issue is that my meantime is very tight, as I juggle a thousand different things at all times. Moreover, working on our own products means it’s effectively work for free—at least until the product launches and starts getting some paid users.
It has also not been super easy finding clients. While we have had quite a few solid prospects, we prepared extensive offers and the talks were advanced, we still didn’t manage to land a major client that would bring this “a-ha!” moment and make us feel like it was all worth it.
Guess I’ll have to hang in there for just a little longer, while I continue my juggling between my 9-5 job, my startup, and also the remnants of my private life.
Last few months were definitely not the easiest I’ve ever had. I think there’s a few of things that when combined created an explosive mixture.
After over a year-long gap of me working commercially, not only did I return to the job market and started working 9-5 again, but I also started spinning up my own company. This all amounted to me having almost no time for anything else.
Most of the days I’ll literally wake up in the morning, drive to my job (where I have to be in the office at least three times a week), then return home in the afternoon. I’ll eat something and open my personal computer, where I will spend the next few hours of my life. Usually around 9 or 10 p.m. I run out of stamina (but there are days where I’ll go on until 11 or even 12 p.m.). I only have strength left to take a shower, wash my teeth and go to sleep.
This summer, while extremely hot in most of Europe, in Poland was rather typical (which means not very hot), and moreover we received much less sunlight than usual. While it wasn’t wet per se (we even had some draughts), there were much more cloudy days than usual.
I don’t know about you, but for me the natural cycles of the year are very important. It’s my usual thing to slow down in Autumn, focus more on staying home, listening to music, read books. I used to love winters, but nowadays there’s very little snow—it’s mostly just rain and mud. This sucks, so I quickly get demotivated and depressed. In Spring everything wakes up, including me. I try to make us of summer as much as I can, going to festivals, hiking in the mountains, riding my bike, swimming in lakes, sunbathing.
This summer was different though. My lack of time, the weather, and then also my Achilles tendon, which started hurting really bad in one of my legs in May. What a lucky combination, right?
Spring and summer were also hard for me for another reason. Due to amounting level of stress and tiredness my mood turned for the worse. At the same time we started having more ups & downs with my girlfriend, moments of feeling hurt by the other side. We struggled for communicating clearly, understanding some of each other’s needs and reciprocating feelings.
This of course resulted in us distancing from each other, each one looking for the answers on what is happening, why is it happening and what should we do. I will admit I had a few moments where I was really, really feeling bad: hurt, misunderstood, left out. Like an animal trapped in a cage that tries to find a way out, but there’s just none.
That’s when an agreement that we’ve made with my girlfriend in the very beginning came into play: we agreed to always be truthful and honest, not to sweep anything under the rug and be open to each other even if that means coming out with something that we’re afraid of, not sure of, and so on.
We have slowly started to working through those things, trying to understand each other, be receptive to each other’s feelings, and supporting each other even if we disagree. What’s also great is that I’ve felt it strongly all the time, that it’s not just me engaging in the relationship, but we both work hard to make things better.
And thanks to that I was able to feel more at ease and actually give more attention to my own health. That’s when I started to get this feeling that there’s more to it.
You see, all of the above amounted to a strong gut feeling that I’m not really well. I started investigating more into how I actually feel. I noticed that I no longer took satisfaction from almost anything. I found a job, albeit not ideal, but very much awaited. I finally found people which whom I can try to spin up a business I dreamed about since I was a teenager. I was in a relationship, that although required some work, was very healthy and I was really loved. But despite I felt down, stressed and full of strange angst that I couldn’t really put my finger on and tell where it’s coming from.
But now that I had a job and a stable source of income and some money to spare, a relationship that was getting back on a right track, and the foundations of my business laid out, I could tackle this. I scheduled a psychiatrist consultation with a good doctor that a friend of mine recommended. The doctor described my state as a somewhat typical case of a male depression. Trying to grit your teeth and just do your thing, not fail anyone and anything, while inside you feel devoid of any emotions, motivation and happiness and like you’re barely keeping it together.
Long story short, I was prescribed some antidepressants and after over a month of taking them I already feel much better. Even though objectively my life hasn’t changed that much—I still have a shit tonne of work and non-existent work-life balance—somehow it feels much easier to tackle and that things are a bit more in the right place. And even if they’re not—I have more strength to put them there.
I know that this post sounds quite heavy. And probably rightfully so, because there’s plenty of challenges around every corner. But as always, I try to treat it as a way to grow and become a better person.
And despite all these challenges many wonderful things happened during this time, so I want to leave you with some of them and a word of courage:
Keep on fighting and doing your thing. Some things take a long time, so just endure and enjoy whatever happens along the way. And don’t be afraid to ask for help :)
Some things to remember:
And a thousand different things that I could write about, but it’s too long anyway, or am skipping purposefully. So, here it is. My story as it unfolds, forever stored in one of the blocks that make up the Hive blockchain. What a time to be alive.
How are you doing, good people of Hive?
Until next time.
