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My name is Martina and I'm seventeen years young. I suffer from Depression, OCD, and Mild autism. These disorders aren't me or an excuse. It's just an everyday thing I deal with and to help people understand me more for why I act the way I act.
First, depression.. I let depression get the best of me. There's not a day that I don't want to self-harm or just die. A lot of time I feel worthless, stupid, annoying, ugly, deserve to be dead, and a horrible person. But, I also have this other side of me that's my wise mind. My logical thinking. I tend to have a lot of irrational thoughts. I believe that everyone is worth the same no matter what. For example, if you have a twenty dollar bill and crumple it up or rip it, it's still worth the same. I know that I'm very insightful and the way I think negativity about myself are just thoughts I choose to think about myself. A lot of the times I don't have motivation to get better. I struggle accepting myself for who I am. I hate the fact that I'm lesbian, dress like a boy and recently just cut my hair like a boy. I feel like everyone is judging me even though I know I shouldn't let it get to me because I'm no different from them.
Second, OCD.. I have this issue where I obsess over my thoughts. Something small will happen throughout the day and I'll still be thinking about it a week later. So it's difficult because I have the thoughts of dying or self-harming.
Next, the mild autism.. This affects me in ways that I don't understand social queues that well. I think everyone is mad at me 99.9% of the time. It affects me in a bad way because I also have some traits of Borderline personality disorder and that means I have abandonment issues and push people away. When I feel like someone is mad at me I freak out on them and push them away. Then I feel like a horrible person. I don't want anyone to feel my pain but I accidentally have a side to me when I don't think logically.
I was also thinking..... it's unfair when someone blames you for something you didn't do and you get punished. What I'm trying to say is.. my brain tells me to hurt myself with a razor or burn myself. But, that's unfair to my body. My body doesn't deserve that. I've been self-harming since 8th grade and hopefully I can go 1 year clean.
I've gotten a lot of help and I know what I need to do to get better but apart of me gives up and doesn't want to try anymore. Life seems pointless and confusing. I will get better sometime and learn to love myself. I just need to take things day by day.
For the people who suffer from depression.. You're very strong and worth it and I promise things will get better. I'm proud of you for not giving up. Stay strong and keep fighting.
