https://tse2.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.LDkr2_A8Rhb_m7m4u2MWIwEsDQ&w=298&h=199&c=7&qlt=90&o=4&pid=1.7
Thanksgiving was alright... I went to three peoples houses. I slept over at my sisters and that's where it started. I got crossfaded and I was face timing all my friends. I thought I was purple and I was having a great time.
It's not good for me to get high or drunk because of the state of mind I'm in. Close to the end of the high I started having negative thoughts. I'm going to be honest, it was a good trip and I was fine.
The next morning I woke up and I was so embarrassed and hated myself even more. I woke up my sister to take me back to my aunts. I had to get ready for the Katy Perry concert because we were going to the Gateway and to dinner before the concert. Anyways, I got in the shower and I looked at myself and I was so disgusted. I was so suicidal.. I didn't want to live and I fell apart. I called my dad and told him what's going on and he told me "Come home and we'll talk about it."
I went home and I cried into my father's arms. I told him about Thanksgiving night and he also asked if I self-harmed and I showed him that I did. I self-harmed on November 20, 2017. I was having a hard time because my friends were telling me how shitty of a friend I was. It hurts when someone is mad at me. It's my main trigger. I should've talked to someone and used my logical thinking. I know that I'm not a shitty friend because I can't be there for them 24/7. I need to work on myself before I can be there for other people. I'm not worthless but when I'm in the moment I think "I deserve to die."
I'm glad I have a support system where I can open up to my parents about anything. They are caring and love me no matter what. I feel that it helps to love more than get upset. I know that there's consequences when I do something bad but I learn from it and having a loving family helps me to want to get better.
I don't want to go down hill but sometimes I don't have motivation to get better. A lot of the times I wish I was cute and nice. But, I feel so insecure and I know no one is perfect. I just want someone to love me the way I can love but, that can't happen because I don't love myself enough to be with someone.
I can't get in a relationship because I wouldn't be able to put in 100%. That person who ends up with me deserves so much and I want to be able to give that to them. Anyways, I'm off topic but I'm having a hard time with a lot of things and I can't seem to find a purpose.
