The first signal I got was so little that I just brushed it off in class that day.
We were in the middle of a lecture that afternoon when I suddenly felt a sharp pain; it was so sharp and quick. I had to pause for a few seconds to get myself back. Even my seatmate knew something happened to me, but he couldn't tell what it was.
"What's wrong?" He asked
"This note is getting too much," I said, smiling.
He looked at me and smiled. And that was how we continued with the note we were writing.
A few weeks later, I went to work at an event center. After the whole stress of cooking, serving, and all. It was time to clear the dishes and arrange everything so we could go back home. That was how this sharp pain came again.
I just left where everyone is and went to sit down somewhere, alone. My boss, who knew me, knew me to be very hardworking, and all noticed I wasn't doing anything and came by to check on me.
"Toyo, what's wrong? You look a little bit off," she said.
"It's nothing, ma'am, just feeling a little pain in my stomach," I replied.
"Have you eaten, or is it that you've overworked yourself?" She asked.
"Or should I get someone to take you to the pharmacy first..." She added.
"No ma, I will be fine. It's nothing, ma," I responded.
"Rest then. And make sure to go for a checkup later this week. Take care." She said and left.
And that was how that response became my default answer.
"I will be fine. I am fine. It's nothing."
Aside from that always being my response, I actually believed nothing was wrong with me. i am a young guy, trying to hustle and still go to school. And as the young guy that I am, I already have things/responsibilities I'm bearing. So, stopping to worry about some little discomfort seems unnecessary.
And that was showing the signals kept coming. Some days I just feel too weak to do anything. Other days I have issues excreting; sometimes I can't sleep... It's just one discomfort or the other.
It got to an extent that my mum got to know, and she asked if everything was alright. Well, I gave her the same response as well.
"I'm okay, Mum."
Even though she wasn't convinced, she didn't press further on it. Looking back now, I realise that those around me were paying even more attention to my body and health than I myself was.
One sunny afternoon, it was after the school exam, and I just wanted to go out to say hi to a friend. On my way back home, I met an elderly woman whom I had known for years; after greeting her, she told me I had lost weight. I just smiled and told her it was school stress. She smiled, shook her head and asked me to take care of myself since I'm now back home.
I just thanked her and made my way home.
Little did I know that that was another signal, another caution sign, another warning, and another voice I'm ignoring.
All of those signals didn't mean much to me then. I never knew life was trying to tell me something, to pay attention to myself, to check in on myself and so on. But then I was brushing it all off. I refused to pay attention to any of it.
Then one day, the signal became impossible to ignore. What I have been avoiding for weeks stood in front of me and demanded my attention. And now, I couldn't even say no or brush it off again.
As I'm thinking and putting all of this together now, a lot of memories are flooding in. A lot.
Is it how my friend asked about it?
Is it how my mum and dad asked if everything was alright?
Is it my friends ask with worry on their faces?
Is it how I felt pain all through the night and acted as if I were fine in the morning?
None of those moments were random; they were signals.
Thinking about it all again now, I've learnt so much from my illness experiences and all, but now I feel the biggest lesson was even before it.
It was that life will always give signals. Not loud, but quite a few little signals. Before anything happens or turns into something big, warning signals will come, maybe through our body, through loved ones, or even through strangers. It gives us signals so we can pay attention to a problem before it gets too much.
And just like mine, the signals can be little enough to ignore. Still, 'not' doesn't mean they are unimportant.
I still think about it now. Even though now, I'm always full of gratitude. And I can tell you that I've not only been paying attention to my own body but also to that of others so they wouldn't experience what I had to go through.
馃尮
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