Hello and welcome to the best kind of story you will ever find, and that will be the kind written by a dyslexic person. Not just any dyslexic person I might add. This little dyslexic story is written by me, Mark Pritchard, I’m the one who put the sexy into dysexya, and the first person ever to accidently walk into a bra. I also drives a TRACTOR, and a lorry, you see, skills. My parents were once told at a parents evening to make sure he’s good at moving heavy stuff by the time he leaves. So with the only thinkg i passed at school being the one for dyslexia and my school life far behind me I’ve written a little story as a beacon of hope, for all the lovely people out there who are struggling to master their dyslexic powers. And for anyone who sees this as a disability or some kind of a problem, you clearly haven’t worked out how to use your powers yet. Yes I do get words muddled up, and why do they put the letters T and G so close together on the key board? I keep signing my e-mails with retards. If you’re a computer hacker looking at my browser history then good luck. My entire history is full of words I couldn’t spell, and I accidently got my facebook status box and Google search mixed up once and I couldn’t go out in public for a month. You defiantly don’t want to see the adverts that pop up all over my social media accounts. GET 70% OFF YOUR NEXT INFLATABLE MANCHESTER CATHEDRAL CHOIR. Setting fire to my computer to me is better than risking taking it to a computer repair shop. A risk far bigger than I can explain my way out of until I’ve spoken to my lawyer. Even then I fear I might be leaving said computer repair shop with a police man, or should that be person? Let’s go with Officer, which I will be.
So how do you use dyslexic superpowers if you’re no good at moving heavy stuff then? Well it’s easy, let’s say you have something incredibly important you urgently need to tell the world over the intermerweby. Well there’s no better way than spelling something wrong to get the worlds attention. You’ll even know when people are reading it because you’ll get smug replies pointing out that they are better then you in every way. Also you spelt Rampant, Squirrels, Trousers and Emergency wrong. You see, it’s as good as sending a parcel or in this case a message by recorded delivery.
Scrabble, now everyone always assumes that a dyslexic person cannot play scrabble failing to take into account a dyslexic person has a super power. And by power I’m talking about the 2010 disability discrimination act. So there for you cannot stop me spelling out words the dyslexic way, or that’s discrimination and I have the full power of the law with me on this one. So it’s really not my fault if the dyslexic way to spell things often end up with an X on a triple word score. It’s defiantly not my fault you didn’t bring a dyslexic dictionary that one’s down to your own poor organisation skills, I didn’t bring one because I don’t need one. I have in my hairy little head ten different ways to make a word fit into any given gap on the board with the letters available to me. So if you lack the power of imaginative spelling and can only think of the so called correct way to spell it how can that be my fault? I might also add if you are the type of person who gets a cheap thrill out of challenging a person with no legs to a running race, Then it is only morally wright that when challenge to a word game I teach that person a lesson. I’m not doing it for my own benefit you understand. With great power comes twenty minutes arguing with spell checker, an intemerweby search and eventually responsibility. Rexponzibility if there’s a triple word score available.
So with the most up to date technology and computer spell checkers taking all my fun away is there really any problems for a dyslexic person in 2019? Well in shorts, yes. You see the main problems with spell checkers is the ability to take a misspelt world then collect it into the wing wood complementary. Of course my powers improve considerably if I need to write something by hand, I’m not going to tell you how bad my hand writing is so let’s just say it have my own special font and leave it at that. Unfortunately I had to write a lot during my school days as we had one computer room in the school, in which we had a one hour lesson every week. This meant I struggled with many things before I figured out how to use my powers. I failed my computer exam because I couldn’t spell the password to start the exam. I was totally confused about this birds and the beads thing. I was told maths was all about numbers then found myself looking at triangles? With an X Y and Z on them. I managed to find the X on my scientific calculator but at forty three years of age I’m now pretty confident I’m going to die not knowing what 95% of the buttons do. So it’s time for another super power. The power hear is the power of acting, always look like you know what you’re doing even when you still haven’t found the Y and the Z. No matter how confusing life becomes I will always be able to get BOOBS, if I turn it upside down. Sadly them in the transport office won’t give me a calculator any more so I now have a hi vis jacket and a clip board. I’ve mastered how to use them and with the power of a hi vis, they let you in anywhere if you look like you know what you’re doing.
English wasn’t much better if I’m honest but I can speak Irish, American, Canadian, Australian and I can also speak the international language of aviation and shipping. Although it’s much easier to put down I speak several languages on my CV. Which brings me nicely onto another point? What shall we name a condition for somebody who has trouble spelling? I know, we’ll call it Dyslexia, Most normal people can’t spell that so a dyslexic person will have no chance. I’ve had a pretty good try though and in the years before computers took over the world I’ve declared in my CV that I’ve had Sexdailya, while my pocket spelling thingy has helped me put down Dyspraxia, Dysgraphia and Diarrhoea all in the name of trying to get Dyslexia out. It’s made for some pretty difficult and challenging job interviews over the years but it has helped keep the brain in top form. Of course I wanted to be a rocket scientist when I left school but sadly I spelt that wrong to. So in my newly chosen field of pocket science the computerised job search matched me with a job at Marks & Spencer’s trousers department. After six years at M&S I unbelievably went on to become a driving instructor which I did very well at. First car was a nice little Vauxhall Corset, however when I advertised my driving lessons in a red corset I received lots of pretty strange phone calls from people who didn’t seem normal at all. Happily this stopped when I changed cars and as I was self-employed I set up a system where I did everything at home on the computer so I only needed to tick boxes during the lessons. This worked well up until the 2008 credit crunch where nobody had any money there for they couldn’t afford driving lessons, I even tried with the red corset again but it was no use. Life is a challenge and if you have a super power like me then we will move forwards. So although I’m now only a lonely hairy lorry driver struggling to find out who this Elaine is who’s closed on the M1. Somebody really needs to have a word she’s causing kayos, I’ve never seen her as there’s nothing here but flashing amber lights and cones.
Lorrying all hours of the night and day is not for me, so I’ve decided to try and dig myself out of this hole I’m temporally stuck in. I’ve been looking at doing a welding course but I’ve been struggling again with the intermerweby, I had no idea I needed a welding dress, or that welders liked dressing in this way, Looks dam unpractical trying to weld in a dress if you ask me and surly white must show the dirt? Also looking at the pictures I’m not sure I’m pretty enough for welding? So I’ve decided to stay away from weldings and instead I’m investing my weekly wages in stocks, Beef, Chicken and vegetables mostly. Hopping one day to be a bouillonaire if I work hard at it. The next challenge then has to be to wright a book, this will of course be about dyslexia and will go on to become a Hollywood film, I shall name it Two slow two curious. This will then fund the grand plan, to move into a hollowed out mountain with a big fluffy cat, a huge water tank made out of glass so I can see the sharks swimming around in it, and a death ray bolted to the top in a top secret location near Sodonia, Showdonia, Snowdona O sod it, Wales. I’m amazed nobody has thought of this plan before. However I have you lot to thank for my success as you’ve all driven me to it. Also while I’m here if you could just arrange for your prime ministers and presidents to pop the check for one hundred trillion pounds in the post to me that would be grand.
Sending all my retards,
Your new world leader.
Mark Pritchard.
