The above image was done using stable diffusion using the prompt 'an oxygen tank in a cage.'
A couple of months ago, my cluster headaches came out of remission. I've been experiencing brutal headache attacks again and again for weeks. Hopefully the worst has passed, but it will probably be a few more weeks until my condition goes back into remission again. Right now I'm recovering from last night's 7 on my 1-10 scale, which is roughly equivalent to giving birth to a porcupine through your eye.
High flow oxygen therapy can sometimes abort an attack or make it less intense. But oxygen is surprisingly hard to get, especially in a timely manner. Last time it took 3 doctor visits and 5 months. Now I'm down to 8 minutes worth of gas in my final tank and can't even get my empties refilled without going to 2 more doctors, which will take longer than this headache cluster is likely to last. Note that 8 minutes of oxygen is barely sufficient to treat a single attack.
The sheer physical misery involved here is impossible to overstate. So is the alienation that naturally accompanies having experiences that those around you can't comprehend. I'm trying as best I can to process the trauma as it arises. I talk it through with my partner, who has been nothing but loving and supportive. Blogging about it also helps, though I fear some of you may be growing tired of hearing about it.
At this stage, it's like treading water far out in the ocean, waiting for dawn so I can spot some land and know which direction to start swimming in. I've been letting everything but the barest essentials slide for weeks while also incurring the increased costs associated with managing my condition. If I ever make it back to land, there's a mountain of work waiting for me there. Even if the cycle ends today, I'll be lucky if I can get caught up by the end of the year.
Sometimes I consider the total impact of cluster headaches on my life. In their absence, I would likely at this stage have a 6 figure income and property. Instead I have a body filled with memories of being tortured, bad credit, and six weeks worth rent and groceries in my checking account. Everywhere I go, I encounter people with significantly more than me. More time. More money. More options.
They have more than me in a material sense, but I wouldn't trade places with any of them. I would never want their problems and they definitely couldn't handle mine. When I was younger, I'd sometimes indulge my envy of the more fortunate, but I eventually stopped feeling like other people's fortunes were any of my business. These days, though my circumstances are humble, I always seem to have what I need and I genuinely love what I do. Not everyone can say that.
During headache attacks, all kinds of stuff comes up. Intense emotions. Challenging psychological material. A great many thoughts that begin but never get completed because pain interrupts them immediately after they form. All of this stuff has to be processed and integrated. Sometimes this leads to important insights.
The current headache cluster is putting all of my beliefs to the test. It's clarifying my priorities and bringing my spiritual ground into play. Hopefully, the worst of this cycle has passed. I sure am getting tired of blogging about it.
Read Free Mind Gazette on Substack
Read my novels:
See my NFTs:
