I quit drinking alcohol a while ago. The act of drinking no longer serves me because I no longer look for ways to numb myself of my emotions or unwanted experiences. Alcohol is extremely toxic, not only to our physical bodies, but also to our emotions.
I grew up in Wisconsin, where the only thing I felt I could do to numb myself of my painful reality was to drink. I would end up with a nasty hangover the next day and regret my decision. I'd tell myself, "I'll never drink again. That's the last time!" Low and behold, the next weekend, I'd be tired of dealing with the reality of my life again, and I would lower my expectations of what a happy life really was and go back to yet another one-night-stand with my beloved shots of tequila.
It's been a process for me to give up alcohol; a four year battle. Though I wasn't drinking daily, like I used to, I still liked to indulge in a tequila seltzer a couple times a week. It took the edge off, I thought.
After I started working with plant medicine, I finally gave up drinking with no problem at all. No more feeling crappy! It's amazing! I wake up and take a shot of Noni juice instead, and breath in essential oils. I have such a healthy, beautiful, happy relationship with myself and the plant world that I can't imagine going back to that point of making myself so unbelievably sick and unhappy. I thought alcohol made me happy when I was younger, but really, it's just an illusion. It's a fake kind of happy which costs more than it could ever be worth.
That being said, ironically, I recently had a hangover.
I had a hangover, not from alcohol, not from man-made drugs. Rather, this particular hangover is from a person. It turns out that toxic people can have the same effect on your body as alcohol.
I made the mistake of letting someone who previously hurt me back into my life. I tried lying to myself by calling it "closure" but really what I did was re-open wounds that were doing just fine healing with the care I was giving them.
But that's life. There are no mistakes, only lessons. And this year has been the year where my biggest lessons are ones of learning how to love myself deeply, mostly by protecting myself from harmful, toxic individuals that are poisonous to my mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.
After giving this person another chance to prove to me that they had grown, and wasting my time and energy on that expectation, I literally woke up the next morning feeling like I drank 7 shots of tequila. An emotional hangover? I didn't even know they existed. But that's what happens when you detox. You become so in sync with your own body and mind, that the effects will be highlighted to where you literally feel as if you consumed poison. Because in a spiritual essence, you did.
I am now learning how to happily say "this isn't good for me, this is fake happiness, this is all an illusion," not only to alcohol and junk food, but to people. Just like I refuse to give alcohol another chance, I'm learning how to refuse to give people who make me emotionally drunk and feel like shit afterwards another chance. And not because they are bad people, but because life has thrown me multiple challenging lessons with multiple people, places and things, over a course of 28 years, for me to finally realize just how precious our individual energy is. Do I want to feel this shitty? Not at all. It was a painful lesson, as per the usual. But the revelation for me on this particular round was incredibly profound; why it is so important to have self love, because that alone determines the kind of energy we open our doors to.
We need to have enough love for ourselves to realize that our physical, mental and emotional bodies only want to be watered by kind, loving, self-aware individuals who are actively trying to heal their past traumas so they don't project their pain onto innocent people.
I believe we are put through trials with toxic individuals as a soul contract to learn how to love ourselves fully. I am very grateful to have these individuals in my life for a short time because I can learn these lessons and my heart can break into a million pieces, which means my heart has to open because there's no way I'm going to be able to put a million pieces back together.
I have to give the plants credit for my shift. They've healed me in so many ways. I strive for the same kind of healthy relationship I have with plants with people. It's peaceful.
There comes a time when we will only attract the people who bring us peace, joy and love into our lives, but only after we learn how to have self-respect. I used to have a really hard time saying no when someone would offer me a drink. It's so easy now to say "I don't drink." That came only after I stopped running from myself. When we sit with ourselves and are gentle with ourselves and don't avoid what's going on inside of our hearts, it becomes easier and easier to know what is healthy for us, and when it's time to shut the door on what doesn't serve us and our happiness once and for all.
