8 more days before it's March.....
This year, I promised to myself not to see my life passes me by but I am starting to feel like everything moves fast again. They say, it means you are enjoying life but for me, I don't think that's the case.
I realized that in the past I used to be effective with my time. I know exactly when to dine, when to sleep, when to work. That time management gives me a sense of control and a sense of accomplishment. But, I stopped doing that since Q3 of last year. So, I have small recollections of things that happened last year.
Pathetically, I spent a lot of time indulging in lazy pursuits. Instead of reading books, studying, and learning something new, I secluded myself and watched hours and hours of movies, k-drama, and dramas from different countries.
I have watched every youtube videos with "lazy" title on it. I ingested the content and memorized it well. I know what I did will have some repercussion in the future. You know it's bad even when you're being lazy it makes you stressed. And stressed is the door to many illness.
So here I am today at the peak of my laziness and is currently stressed due to it. To say the least, I have been lazy, eating poorly and not upholding my own standard. I think I am a little scared to be on my own again. But at the same time, it feels liberating to be alone and live on my own.
I suppose, the challenge I created for myself is to maintain the same lifestyle everywhere I go. It is to remove emotional attachment to a place. To become more fluid while maintaining a sense of self and set of habits. The fact that I have been trying to work on this for 4 years and with little result, means it is such a difficult challenge to overcome for me. I always attach emotional values and sentiment to places.
The moment I don't uphold my own standard, my life falls apart including my own health. It's one of those days I am getting slapped in the face. Writing this while suffering from intense pain has been quite a wake up call.
Living in a house with different life expectations and habits have been difficult. In 2019, I was living in a house full of strangers. It was fine because I know they are not related to me and it was only temporarily. Not to mention it was an obligation. Was it hell? it was. But I persisted and did well on my job. But when it comes to family or the people who you've been living for years, taste a bit different. There's bitter element to it.
I wonder how come they and I have different life expectations and habits. I suppose many of their habits are result from conditioning. And I guess, my standard itself is result of experiences and conditioning. When I traced back to my previous life, I was okay with many things that this family has but right now, everything they do and their habit annoy me. For someone who complains so much, I damn well pay things around here. I even paid more than where I previously lived because many convenient things are not nearby. Not to mention, I have to share some things with my mom. I don't like to share things.
I am not even sure by now the perks of living here anymore. There's almost nothing good comes out of it. Maybe it's me, maybe it's my environment. But I sure have never been sick this much. I will have to see if nothing improves as I change my lifestyle, then something is really wrong.
~ Mac
