Impostor Syndrome

" Can't you believe that I actually did all of that?"- I said to my mom in many of my recent conversations. Strangely, I seem to be distancing what I am capable of, what I did and my current self. As if right now, I am incapable and the most worthless person to have lived on earth. As if that people was someone else entirely. Someone more capable and more deserving.

I am definitely not the "Alexander Wang" kind of famous but it's funny that even within my peers, I actually have pretty cool accomplishment. I just fail to acknowledge it nor the people around me really care about it. You know, it's just something expected of me so even cool things become so trivial for them.

Even after 29 years of living, there is a part of me that longs to hear, " I am proud of you" or a few words from my own family. As though, their approval would validate everything I've done, endured and become. The reality is that, even if I become an astronaut, the richest person alive, and accomplish beyond anyone's wildest expectation, they will never do that. That won't make them say what I've spent so much of my life hoping to hear.

Now that I am at this position in life, when I am no longer the person who seemed to have everything figured out, like a wounded animal, I was just the right prey to be torn apart by the very people I once hoped would protect me. It's very strange situation when how even your family seem to forget everything you've accomplished once you're no longer doing well.

As though, suddenly I mean nothing because of where I am today. Sometimes, it feels like my family just made my vulnerability become another reason to tear me apart.

This is the reality of a typical Asian family especially if you grew up with so much potential. As in you're that person who seemed to be doing things nobody did and was the poster child of your entire extended family.

It's one of those days when something truly evokes that tiny fraction of hope I have about it. While I no longer asks for it openly or argue openly about it, sometimes you just wonder why Asians are like that. They'll spit you out once you shows signs of weakness.

Perhaps, I should stop checking people out or drown myself in endless new technological advancement or things I can try. I should just focus on getting by day by day, focusing on the things I am working on.

Anyway, being teachable is a good trait to have. So, I have to be proud of it.

	𝘊𝘦𝘮𝘺 (𝘰𝘳 𝘔𝘢𝘤) 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵, 𝘤𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘶𝘳, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘮𝘣𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘣𝘢𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘥𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘬. 𝘏𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘨 𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘶𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯: 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘪𝘵 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴? 𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘭, 𝘨𝘦𝘰𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘺, 𝘤𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘴, 𝘤𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘦, 𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘩𝘯𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘺, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘰𝘣𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘵. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘴𝘸𝘪𝘮𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘴. 𝘍𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘯 𝘏𝘪𝘷𝘦, 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘣 𝘢 𝘤𝘶𝘱 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺.