I was then so accustomed to quitting whenever I didn’t get the perfect mark,the perfect shape for my drawing, the perfect (insert everything you name it). When I got a slight criticism, I would drop whatever I was doing and lose interest. I considered myself a stupid and incapable of doing it. Only when I was around 10, I got so fed up with everything and rebelled. However, since my issues haven’t been resolved, it manifests differently. Unless I get everything right, I wouldn’t start. Unless I have the perfect studying conditions, I wouldn’t do that. I put so much condition to my life that while my friends excel with not chasing perfection, I was left behind. At the same time, I continued to dismiss the fact that I work hard for everything I achieved in my life just because others told me, “ I didn’t work that hard to achieve it, that was easy for me”. As adults, now I learned they could be lying. They work hard too.

With chasing perfectionism, comes high expectations.

I always have high expectations for everything in life and what I want to have. I know it’s good but for a person like me, such things have become a double edged sword. I love working alone and can’t seem to be bothered asking for help because to me, others couldn’t have done it as perfect as I am. Though you know, great things aren’t solely done by one person. They always have a team working together and complement each other's imperfections. It was one of the flaws in my thinking and I slowly recognized too. We need others to do the things we couldn’t have done well. Each of us have strengths and weaknesses and that’s okay.

As an adult, the situation I mentioned above and my inability to accept criticism was also part of the reason why I fell into depression. When I was in my early freelancing journey, I met with this bad customer who said there was something missing from my work. Though like everything in my life, I tried to build a great track record. Until that one customer who was dissatisfied with my work was just giving me a light criticism. For everyone, that criticism was just a great feedback and perhaps a thing to be reflected upon but for me, it was the end of my career and my life. Right there and then, I quit for many months until it took me a while to get back up.

I hated to be disliked and receive criticism….

Only later in life, when my confidence was crushed and I have a lower self-esteem, as well as manifesting a lot of negative thoughts, I learned to finally learn that chasing perfectionism all these years ruined myself and my life.

Like today, when I was attempting to make my own tortilla, I wanted it to be the perfect shape and the perfect texture. But guess what, for someone who recently made a tortilla again after years, that was expected. When I first made the tortilla this morning, the shape was so ugly that even while making it, I was afraid to be criticized- though there’s nobody who will. It prompted me to try once again and I eventually did it. Had it not been the one that you see above, I would have made a dozen tortillas just to get the perfect shape like the one they have at a store that’s mass manufactured and not really homemade with limited tools.

Another thing is about my blog and writing. Everyday I read content to find something to curate and reading curated content. Sometimes these contents are not probably the best there is but them getting curated was basically a lot more other reasons. The image were probably compelling more than the story and balancing out, it was a whole. Or though the picture wasn't coming from a $5000 camera, it complements the story and sincerity of the author. While for me, I used to be afraid if the word count didn't reach a certain number or if it sounded too corny, and if anyone hated what I wrote but hey, screw that, right?

This is why I am making rules to myself that whatever is the word count, just write it out and not chase the perfection of it. Otherwise, I wouldn’t write anything and I would never really think out loud, afraid of being criticized and such. Now, I am perfectly fine with being disliked and completely fine when I receive criticism as long as it’s constructive.

All this was just a snippet on how perfection has managed to contribute in ruining my life. There’s a lot more to it but you see… this is what I believe now,

“ Chasing perfectionism leads nowhere”