Brain Dump | Morning Musings

Good Morning!

or.. Good night!

Let's start with perfectionism is a bitch.

Excuse the language but that's what I just realized these past few days. While shuffling through career choices that I could do at my age, I was talking to my mom if I should see a psychologist again if they might know the answer to my life long career problems. It's like a never-ending battle to find what truly suits me . It's like I want to do something that just feels perfect but we all know, well at least for me perfection might not be attainable?

Welcome to my brain dump, it’s morning and when I am able to sit down, sipping a cup of coffee while contemplating about life and emptying it out a little.

Suppose, vomiting my brain here will perhaps help me untwist the root of my perfection. So, people said our childhood affect us growing up and I guess mine was like that? A recent incident reminded me of it.

The other day, one of my older niece proudly showed me her school. She was so happy that about her school report and I was ecstatic too up until I glanced her report and I tried to hide my disappointment. She was going to 4th grade so, I tried not to show that her report weren't too satisfactory to my liking.

I tried to hide it but in my heart, I was like " this is horrendous, not even 100 in sight!"

I tried to look into it more and at her age, I remembered how anything less than 100 meant that I was doom to fail. How come she was so proud without 100 in sight? How come everyone around her not complain about it?

The environment I grew up in expected a flawless score. I stupidly and blindly believed that was all there is. Anything that is not 100 is a fail and if I am not at least top 10, life is pretty much meaningless.

I stopped studying when I harbor this stupid mindset to attain being the "Genius" kid who aced any exam without studying. To think about it, that was silly. Though with some subjects I could do without much effort but it was a limiting self-beliefs. I think it's impossible to not study even if you have around 130 IQ. Most of my friends who have those high IQ are still studying and the only difference to those lower than them would be the effort it takes to understand a concept and seeing it through another lens.

The beliefs that I have to be on top somehow I carried until pretty much adulthood. I grew up to become someone who couldn't accept criticism and thought that everyone had it easier. Though I think there's a good in thinking something along this line, " if they can, why can't I?"

I grew up to become someone who would stop half-way when something goes out of plan. Even worse, ditch things because it wasn't perfect and I was messing up on one or two things. I gave up when I could no longer be on top something while in reality, life isn't like that.Sometimes we could be on top, sometimes life throws us into ditch and we have to struggle to even come out of it.

Perfection stops me from living up to all of my potentials. it stops me from starting something just because I was too caught up making it too perfect. Even with writing, I got scared of making mistakes and there are days when it takes longer than an hour just to write a paragraph. At the same time, I saw people who just constantly publish and create despite everything. We might have the same tools but they are not riddled with perfections shackling their legs.

I complicated most things because I want it to just be "perfect". I waited this and that just so all the conditions are met and it is "perfect" but there never was a time something is "perfect".

I saw obese people who aren't so good-looking according to my standard was sharing their journey on instagram. They are not 9/10s but they walk like the street is their runway. Though people mock them, they still share about their life. Sometimes, I saw a few of them had some progress but some stalled. What I truly admire is their bravery to share their journey and being okay with not being perfect.

I saw people who has dilapidated house created content and shared their life. They were acting as if their life was so interesting despite the flaky walls and the old stained ceramics at their house. They were poor but it made me believe poverty can be aesthetic! 😅

I saw people coding and programming from their phone. It's something so unthinkable but they did.

I saw people cook using simple tools but they know how to make it interesting. None of them waited until they have the perfect tools, they simply started and it was something that was inspiring to me.

Just like this post. I am writing it as I go. It's not planned and I am not even checking it compulsively 4-5 times before I hit publish. I simply write and then hit publish, leave room for errors so there's something to talk about and criticize.

Oh, and I recently started a new business venture too. Typically, I would obsessed over the logistics, the marketing but this time, I am just fixing it as I go. I won't wait until the product is perfect, the design, the brand, none of those. If there's something that needs to be changed, I'd change it as I go. I am just proud of myself that I am not shackled by perfectionism again.