Balance has always been an important thing to me throughout my life. There's that devil on your shoulder and the other an angel. There's the time you have fun, but there's time to get serious.
I grow up as a slightly care-free person. Much like how my 4 year old son right now all smiley and always wants to have fun. My parents took care of us extremely well, at some point they'd say we were pampered.
As I grow older, certain actions we take we get rewarded and sometimes punished. It changes our behavior to accommodate that someone or certain situations. There's that slight change we feel when certain things don't go your way. There's that emotional feeling - and I am certainly a very emotional person.
I know what you're probably thinking, "Great, another spoilt brat!". Well, you're not entirely wrong. I may have grown up that way. I see myself over the years and probably dislike myself. I mean, can you imagine if you were in a tv sitcom and you look back at your old videos and go "Wow, I do not like myself then" - it's something like that.
The thing is, I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up. I wanted to start a family. I wanted to grow up first and then grow up with my kids and let them grow up their own way. I had no map or path like the others. I didn't say I wanted to be a professional artist or engineer or anything like that. I mean, I did look at my dad back then and say, "I want to be like him". It took failing a degree course to teach me the word "Humility".
That's when I knew I was not gonna be like him. I thought I needed to be like my parents. I was lost thinking that there's pretty much nothing I'm good at. Somehow though, someway - we found ourselves amidst all the chaos. We go through life redefining ourselves over and over again.
I'm an expressionist. I love to express, but I am careful. There's people I don't want to offend, but there's that me that I'd like people to get to know. There's that bunch of people that I'd like to get to know. So I started a blog, "LyricalExpression" - let me tell you, I have secrets in and out of that blog. I have expressions that you may or may not want to know - but it felt good. I loved it when I posted it out there and I can go to sleep. I expressed my feelings to public without really saying anything else. I didn't want to say too much, but I said enough.
Funny enough too, I found my wife through that blog (back when I told anyone to email me or comment to interact with me for fun). She emailed me thanking me for a song I posted, Roses amidst her breakup with her ex.
There's that Equilibrium that I was trying to achieve. Me, Them. There's that space in between and I didn't care if no one noticed. I declared my peace. Here's the formula I chose to accept in my life for anything:
Weird --> Strange --> Different <-- Unique <-- Special
I try not to be too proud, but not too timid. I try to scold my kids when they're wrong, but equally love them for doing the wrong thing. I know it's confusing, but that's how I feel. I wanted to know that if there's a mistake, there's always ways to fix it. I'm just different, what's the big deal? They're just different - not strange or weird or special. We should embrace it, not let it separate us. I feel for those who had been bullied. I've been bullied before - I don't think I've ever felt like I bullied someone, make fun of, maybe.
Some say I have a gift of absorbing someone else's feelings like a sponge and like a sponge, it can get pretty dense and dirty sometimes until you squeeze it clean. It's sometimes a gift and sometimes a curse. So I avoid people I can't handle and I am attracted to those I enjoy. There's that spirit cleanse every now and then that I need to do by re-centering myself.
Of course, life ain't that easy. I can't exactly say that I am the best in whatever I do and that's OK. That's just how my life is and I love it.
I grew up playing computers, mingling with a huge mix of friends, struggling to learn a profession, make my parents happy and over the years I guess I can say I made it. I've become an IT Professional. Then I tried to keep fit, I try to make friends and keep them, I tried to love someone until the end of my life.
Things changed when I got married. Let's just say that's the pinnacle of my life. Everything changed. I didn't need to express myself as much anymore. Everyday was an adventure and a chore. There's so much things to do when they're loving someone, in serious devotion to them.
Then I had kids and it's just exponential. There's so much more to do and you keep doing things and I think it'll never be done. There's really no time to do anything else. It's a frenzy of helping the kids, being a good son and husband, work to satisfy your boss and company. It's overwhelming and it's nice.
This is where I am at right now. This is my downtime at 3am in the morning when the kids are asleep and I finally have my chance to express myself in a blog. It feels good like I've just balanced another rock on top of my rocks of experience.
I don't know how many feels the same way I do and I know this is a long post of feelings, but that's just how we are sometimes - human beings. I just felt like getting it out there. This time, no more hiding under a rock.
If you like my post today, please let me know - I greatly appreciate it. If you like to know anything more, I'd be happy to take some time to write anything I have the knowledge or experience enough to share. Thanks!
Blogging Challenge #1 - Done!
