Welcome to the second part where I’m talking about transactional analysis. If you missed the first part you can click here.
Yesterday we concluded that every act arises from one of the three stages which Berne developed. Today we will see how TA in practice works. To shorten things up, I will from now on call the three stages as follows:
Parent -> P (critical or caring)
Adult -> A
Child -> C (natural or crying)
Complementary transactions
These kinds of transactions are the ones we wish. In this case our communication is fluent. We are on the same wave with our counterpart. In the following image, you can see that they are symbolized as parallel lines.
The transaction starts from a person that is in its child as psychologists would say which doesn’t mean an actual child is speaking. It could also be an adult person who in the situation is in C. The message is being addressed to the counterparts P.
The message has been noticed correctly by the counterpart, so its reaction comes from P.
An example for this transaction could be:
Person A: “Please don’t be angry with we, I know I did wrong.” (crying C)
Person B: “It’s okay never mind. Now you know for the next time.” (caring P)
Other examples for complementary transactions could also be:
Person A: “What do you think about this?” (A)
Person B: “I think we should get more information.” (A)
Person A: “Have you seen his new haircut? Terrible!” (critical P)
Person B: “Yes, he should definitely sue his hairdresser.” (critical P)
Person A: “I do really like you.” (natural K)
Person B: “I like you too.” (natural K)
In these examples, we can see that even communication with negative content can be fluent as long as we keep transactions complementary. Interesting is that TA also claims that the following example is also complementary.
Person A: “Hey this is mine!” (C)
Person A: “Come and get it!” (C)
That’s why Berne’s theory is not completely free from critics which I can reproduce. The way it works seems a lot of psychologists too simple that’s why it’s still being further developed.
Now that we know how transactions work what happens if we’re not complementary?
Crossed transactions
A transaction is crossed when we address our counterpart to one of the three stages but he feels himself addressed to another one. The consequence is, he may feel himself attacked and also addresses us to another stage. This is what we could also call misunderstandings. The following image shows a crossed transaction.
An example for this transaction could be:
Person A: “Do you know where my keys are?” (A)
Person B: “You’re always blaming me for losing your stuff!” (critical P)
What happened here? Person A addressed person B’s A, an objective question. But person B felt herself addressed on C (she felt herself criticized) and reacted to his P (she justified herself).
How can we rescue this conversation from escalating? Actually, it is pretty simple. We need to get complementary again. So, Person A has been addressed by person B to his P. To get complementary again Person A now needs to address back to person A’s C. For example, like:
Person A: “Of course, it was me who lost them. I was just wondering where they are.” (caring P)
In most cases crossed transactions will appear when you are trying to address someone’s A or P but your counterpart feels himself addressed to his C.
When your counterpart feels attacked and defends himself, this defense can also be recognized by you as an attack. It will be hard to get complementary again from the point you’re defending yourself again. This is how arguments begin.
Only if you realize from which stage your counterpart addressed you and you do address back to the same stage, communication can be rescued.
Conclusion
In reality, our reactions will be correct in a lot of cases so we can get complementary again. TA is a good method to visualize where problems within communication can arise and if you know how to use it you will be able to improve communication.
If you would like to know more about this topic feel free to tell me.
Thank you for reading :)
References
BIRKENBIHL, Vera F.: Kommunikationstraining: Zwischenmenschliche Beziehungen erfolgreich gestalten, 37. Auflage 2017
"Transaktionsanalyse erklärt", https://www.soft-skills.com/transaktionsanalyse-erklaert/, 12 January 2018
"Transactional Analysis", http://www.ericberne.com/transactional-analysis/, 12 January 2018