It's amusing how I always thought I knew myself. I branded the kind of person I was. What I liked and wanted from life were clear to me. My routines were familiar and comforting, my beliefs solid.
For example, I thought I was a calm and collected girl. Boy, was I wrong. My goals changed, my beliefs wavered and my familiar routines suffered entanglements.
It's not that I'm not stable, it's just that I grew and got more exposed to the world. I didn't realize how much of my identity was tied to being secluded and away from people. I spent a major portion of my life in a quiet town where everything was slow and peaceful, so I was just laid back.
Then things started picking up. I went to Senior High School, then University. I was suddenly surrounded by people from all walks of life with different upbringing and mentalities. Many offended me but I kept overlooking the offense because that was who I was. Until I simply couldn't take it anymore.
Suddenly, I wasn't a calm girl. I wasn't granting grace to people and letting things slide easily. It's not that I turned bad; I simply became firmer in my dealings with people. Because I discovered people can easily take you for granted if you come across as "soft." Most people see softness as weakness, not gonna lie.
I'm constantly learning and unlearning. I'm calm and not calm. I'm soft, but even in my softness I've set boundaries.
I'm not fully sure who I am yet but I think that's fine. I know and believe I'll keep unfolding, layer by layer.
If you're in a place where you feel lost, it's totally okay. Sometimes feeling lost is the first real sign you're actually finding your way.
Thanks for reading!
Images are mine.
