“Looking at me, you wouldn’t know I was a sexual deviant. On the surface, I’m a loving wife and good mum to my children. But my exterior hides a very dark and horrible secret: I am addicted to sex, and I have affairs just to satisfy my uncontrollable sexual urges.
“Before I discovered my sexual compulsion, sex was not something I enjoyed. I lost my virginity to my husband, Peter* on our wedding night. It was such an awkward and unpleasant experience and I remember there being a lot of fumbling and pain. From then on, I looked at sex with Peter as just another marital duty, like doing the laundry or preparing dinner. It wasn’t important and my husband and I certainly never discussed our sex life. In fact, we could talk about everything but sex.
“I had read about orgasms but I’d never experienced one. I figured the female orgasm was just a myth, so I didn’t take it seriously and never asked myself or my husband why I’d never had one. My husband is a good man and provider, and that to me was enough. I never questioned his ability to satisfy me in the bedroom.”
DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE
“All this changed when I turned 30. I’d been a stay-at-home mum for years, and my life, to put it simply, was boring and uneventful. My husband worked all the time, even on weekends, so we hardly saw each other.
“When my elder child was younger, I’d spend all my time with her. But as she grew up and started living her own life, I started spending more time with my friends. Eventually, though, shopping and going out with them got really boring. Itching for some excitement, and with my husband’s encouragement, I signed up for ballroom dancing lessons. After class, I would head to a nearby dance club to practise some more, and that’s where I met the tall and suave Harry(name changed)*.
“Harry was an amazing dance partner, but, more than that, he was attentive. After dance practice, we would go out for supper and in no time at all I was confiding in him. I was extremely attracted to Harry, not just because he was handsome – I was also emotionally connected to him.
“One night, Harry and I went for drinks. We flirted, one thing led to another, and we ended up having sex. That night, I also had my first orgasm. A side of me had been unleashed; after 10 years of nondescript lovemaking, I finally felt sexually alive.”
JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH
“After that night with Harry, I yearned for more. I tried to find sexual fulfilment with my husband, without success – perhaps I was partly to blame, because I didn’t know how to communicate my sexual frustrations to him. We had fallen into a pattern so it felt unnatural to try something new or different in bed. And while I let myself go when I was in bed with Harry, I simply couldn’t do the same with Peter because I didn’t want to arouse his suspicions.
“Harry and I started sneaking out often to have sex. He was very sexually experienced and knew how to make me orgasm over and over again. I wanted sex all the time, but Harry wasn’t able to meet me often enough to satisfy my urges.
“My next sex partner, Lionel(name changed)*, was an old friend. In the past, he would flirt with me by putting his hand on my legs. I’d pretend not to notice, but my affair with Harry emboldened me to accept him as my lover. Each time Lionel and I had sex – usually before my kids got home from school – I'd feel terrible about cheating on my husband. Eventually, overwhelming guilt made me end things with Lionel.
“I confided in a few close girlfriends about my affairs, and they were shocked, because they couldn't believe I could betray my husband that way. I made them swear never to tell Peter my secret. They advised me to pleasure myself the next time I had a strong sexual urge. I took their advice, and while it relieved my sexual frustration somewhat, masturbation was no substitute for the real thing. It lacked that rush and excitement you get from being physically close to another person.”
NO LOVE, JUST SEX
“Over the years, I have been unfaithful with about 20 men. Each affair normally lasts about a year, but I’m still with someone I began an affair with eight years ago. I never get emotionally attached to my lovers; I see them purely in a sexual light. I’ve broken up with men who cannot bring me to orgasm too, because if they cannot pleasure me sexually, then there’s no point carrying on the affair. I always practise safe sex.
“I know what I’m doing is wrong, and I feel guilty every time I’m with another man, but I tell myself that it’s just sex, nothing more. I would feel much worse if I fell in love with one of these men, because that would be betraying my husband. I’m afraid he’ll find out about my infidelities one day. I feel terrible that I am incapable of enjoying sex with him, but I really don’t know how to bring it up to him. He is a wonderful man, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by making him think he’s not doing something right in bed. I’m not even sure why I cannot have pleasurable sex with my husband. Maybe I just have trouble communicating my sexual desires to him.”
SEX RULES MY LIFE
“I want sex all the time and must have it daily, or I’ll feel like something is missing. It’s literally taken over my life because I’m always thinking about my next orgasm. In my 30s, I used to think that my high sex drive was hormonal, but I’m now in my 40s and still very, very oversexed.
“I’m not proud of the fact that I sleep with men other than my husband, and I don’t think my sexual addiction is something to brag about. On the contrary, I am wracked with guilt when a sexual urge hits me, because it means having to look for fulfilment outside of my marriage.
I often cry because no one really understands what I’m going through. I do feel like a deviant, and sometimes when I’m having sex with my lovers, I feel bad, like I’m breaking the law. You don’t often hear about oversexed women; if your sexual urges are out of control, it’s assumed there’s something wrong with you anatomically or emotionally.
“Given a choice between my husband and family and having sex with multiple partners to satisfy my unnatural urges, I’d pick my family any day. My family is still very important to me and I couldn’t bear losing them.”
