What's up Hive!
What is it like to have high functioning Autism? What does it look like? Feel like? Strengths? Limitations? If I didn't get an official diagnosis, how do I know? There is too many tells to be deniable. When did I first figure out that something was going on? Did anyone know as a kid? I suppose like anything else on my blog, there might be a lot to say there too. No doubt it's a double edge sword.
Why wasn't I sure that what was going on with all the doctors stuff, I knew they were right and something not normal since I was a kid. When you are slow, trust me you just know. Maybe not how or what but you just know it's something. I understood that and the tools the lady gave me was for self soothing. Since I didn't talk to her much, she went with at least what she understood I needed. She was right too. I don't know if she had it all figured out, I was young and already frazzled from the chaotic home.
One of my guarantied limitations is the sensory thing...I mean freaking out when I experience sensory overload but we'll get to that in a bit. Otherwise everything probably seemed normal. Since I was really young, one of my favorite friends was slow, like attracts like, the fact that we got along so well and always understood each other especially emotionally, often without words was probably another big tip-off.
School wise, I could learn really fast, faster then others and I would get bored and disruptive a little with snarky remarks. I was way too good at that too, often gets me in trouble tho 馃ぃ . I had reading skills and comprehension far beyond what others had, reading adult level 400 page novels by grade 5. Since all my "slowness" is in social interpretations not in all information interpretation, the fact that I did really well in school and helped other slow kids read or do math and keep up with others when even the most patient teacher couldn't get thru to them so it would have been easy to miss and wouldn't have reflected in my school learning in that way. Since I understood things different I could explain it different. Like being able to translate the information in a way they understood. The fact that I could do that was probably another tip-off.
Because of that I guess, I always saw or referred to myself as different instead. Hard to say I'm slow with my wit but I actually am in other critical ways so I can't say that I'm not...It balances itself out in the end but there is still limitations that people just can't seem to understand for various reasons. It's hard to explain to people and becomes frustrating to do so therefore I just remove myself from those that lack the mental competence to comprehend things outside of their own realm of experience aka those who tend to "project" and that's just most humans. It's an unconscious behavior for most. Unable to put themselves in other's shoes, it's not even an afterthought in most cases.
I had a lisp and a stutter but being made fun of for it from an early age I somehow found a way to iron that out to appear more normal, both mostly under control by grade 2. I still stutter when I get stressed or trying to communicate anything when I'm in sensory overload mode but otherwise I never had too many problems with that since I was really young. All the yelling at home didn't help tho, it gives me hick-ups, stutter, the shakes... the whole works and it's hard to pass too, really annoying and embarrassing. You know when your car breaks and the check engine light comes on, well this is more like, the vehicle suddenly stopped moving and ALL the lights are blinking together in a moment of internal chaos and confusion and it actually hurts the brain, makes me dizzy and sometimes gives me migraines.
I actually probably completely fall apart in some cases with certain archetypes. Men that are larger than me and women that have the same temperament as my mom yelling at me. Obviously that's probably where the Autism and PTSD merge and that's pretty uncomfortable still in my daily life. I try and it gets better but at the same time, not really or always, depends on the day and how many irritants I already had or the people I'm surrounded with. I was always labelled as being against Authority figures and tend to rebel against them, that's why.
Assholes like to establish their dominance in asshole ways especial in the oilfield world and if they know they will get away with it, makes them feel like a big man afterwards...Like YES I HAVE OPRESSED AN OTHER LITTLE GUY INTO SUBMITTING TO MY WILL, THIS WOMAN DIDN'T ACCEPT MY COMMAND IN THE WAY I DELIVERED IT. DIFFICULT WOMEN, I SHOWED HER, PUT HER IN HER PLACE EH...HAHAHA like it's some badge of honor or they might win manhood of the year award with their peers as they all cheer on in the background or join in too like groupies. That situational archetype, I really have a problem with. Feels much like bullying to me. People don't seem to understand that for some reason.
It's rude and consistent assholeries are one of my major triggers into sensory overload. One that turns me into a bigger narcissistic asshole than they are. Now that's when I tend to really get in trouble if I don't fall apart with the sensory overload brain shut down. I can tell somebody to stop a certain behavior towards me and they decide to do it more out of spite. That aggravates me and after the 20th time of asking someone to stop rude behavior, if I can't get away from it, then yeah I'll probably verbally tear someone a new one. When I was young, people used to tickle me a lot but autistic people don't like to be touched much or in certain ways. Remember, we feel everything more than normal humans in ways you can't even comprehend and that also means physical sensations not just audible stimuli, just wearing the wrong fabric or a scratchy tag in the back of a shirt can really get aggravating. I admit, we are a bit finicky in those ways.
I used to laugh because it was an automatic body reaction that I couldn't help but I was neither smiling inside, having fun or liking it...at all. Then all of the sudden, I big fiery dragon comes out of nowhere when my brain has had enough, after asking to stop over and over. An ex boyfriend found that out the hard way, that is also how he became an ex. He thought he was being cute and innocent so it justified his consistent behavior and I had no right to get mad at it despite him doing it all the time, I don't get physically aggressive but that's one where even I actually probably might. When my step dad went into his narcissistic fits of rage and would grab me by the throat slam me against the wall, he got a taste of it too. I was just too little to really be able to have an impact in defending myself against a grown man tho as a 7 yr old. That would send me into sensory overload too. Somehow everyone thought it was funny or a show and just stood back and watched. I always found both behaviors insulting.
My body is my body and I'll decide how it gets touched or treated while I have a heartbeat, fuck you very much...don't let the door hit you on the way out. He thought it was unjustified and that wasn't my problem...What a cold bitch...that's what he used to say about me. Yes indeed. Bye Felicia. I can verbalize my shit, I don't even want to imaging the struggles of a non verbal autistic, that has to be so freaking painful. People have this weird perception that because their behavior don't intent to harm and may not be harmful to most others they can continue to do it over and over despite somebody asking to stop. It's not tho. I also don't have much tolerance for it, I only take it so much until they get removed from my surrounding. I know what triggers me and I don't like getting triggered and people call it having to walk on eggshells and think it's unfair. Fine, just like you don't subscribe to my issues, I don't subscribe to yours either.
Also one of the reasons I'm just putting me on the internet like an oversharing moron despite how it might sound or make me look sometimes. I get it but you know, the non verbal Autistics cannot communicate the behaviors that bother them, that aggravates an Autistic person and guaranteed recipe for disaster. Not being heard, understood or taken seriously is already a major challenge for a verbal autistic. Maybe someone can use it at as study tool to help with their own non verbal. Being Autistic with a voice is a gift in that sense, it truly is. I try to use it in away that maybe help educate someone on how to be better with their "different" one. Knowing the triggers is probably half the battle into learning how to mitigate them.
The fact that I can learn to understand what I'm feeling, what's happening inside, why I feel that way and put it into words is probably already an impossibility in itself. That part of our brains doesn't work. At all. Not naturally at least like most humans. We just don't have the hardware that you subconsciously use to do so. I think it's what god meant when he said there was something wrong with my brain and it should be broken and not work yet it somehow did and interpret information in a weird way. I had to build it myself like that 20 year old quilt looking thing work calls coveralls I often get in the morning (I know totally out of left field).
Also why I tend to investigate society more than I participate in it, compare it with different aspects of psychology to try and decipher and understand my own damn self in ways I shouldn't be capable of, most get creeped out by that. Same for regulating my own assholery because we also don't have that hardware naturally. It's not we want to be assholes or intend to harm. Most of us cry endless tears when we realize that we have cause harm to someone in some way even when it's not even our fault or did anything but not understand how or why, maybe we do but something triggered a sensory overload reaction that we may not have been able to help. I suppose much like you normal people do to us. It's often the result of communication breakdowns, lack of self awareness or ignorance.
Yeah, the god thing...Near death experiences. Meeting God is meeting death, quite literally. It's supposed to be at least, it's also suppose to break the brain. Referring to the Arch of the Covenant literature and concepts touches on that as to why it had to be covered up and handled a certain way. I think it's synonymous with Thot's Emerald Tablet concept too, perhaps the same thing described in different words by different religious beliefs. He said I can tap into "the first book" that withstood getting thrown in a river twice so tablets was the only way I could interpret that, I could be wrong, just not sure. The information there is weird too. Extremely useful but Different, the odd person can tap into it, the "Jewish Inheritance" everyone has wars over thinking it's a place or a physicals treasure filled with gold of some sort, the "Kingdom of God", Garden of Eden or struggle with interpreting the bible or other associated texts.
That's why most can't find it, you don't even know what you are looking for in the first place. I'm not saying the physical treasures and all don't exist either, just if that's the inheritance, one has obviously already missed the point. It's a genetic inheritance, a brain mutation, Autism. If my suspicions are right. Pretty sure Jesus was a verbal Autistic too, why he interpreted things different than his environment and learned to verbalize it into wisdom on how to be more compassionate towards one another. Translating his experiences into words that the people of his time could comprehend. What is it exactly? I might touch on that later or another post, we'll see.
Although this post isn't meant as testimony exactly. I don't talk much about these encounters because it's mostly not well received so I don't bother, keep it to myself for the most part, my little personal treasure, share bits here and there where they fit. I tried to open up to my Auntie about my experience and she just about threw a crucifix at me. Not really but she pointed at it and said that crucifix you see, we observe Jesus Christ in this household and you talk to Satan, you know the difference between God and the Beast? It took me about 5 lines to get her there. I just rolled my eyes...Ok, never mind then.
We left it at that and changed the topic. When she saw I didn't burst into flames as I walked to the threshold of God's crucifix and I woke up the next morning an my mind had not been smote by God, she felt bad and apologized (Sorry Auntie, my mind is already smote, I'm Autistic, you just don't know it because it was a well kept family secret and I hide it well most of the time). it was big of her tho. She tried to make up for it by being more open to hearing and inviting her church girls over and make it an afternoon tea event. No thanks. I think I was already kind of turned off to the idea already. I just accepted the apology and counter offered a fun afternoon tea event with her church lady friends minus the testimony, they can feel free to share theirs, I just don't feel comfortable sharing mine too much for those types of reasons.
I suppose it's ok when others have their experiences, just not mine. I have accepted that in life, most humans operate that way, one of the reasons why I write. I get things/concepts/perspective out as I wish and nobody is forced to read it. Best of both worlds. I don't have to see the judgy faces or derogatory/insensitive comments towards it. Express freely. I know people are judging but if I don't see it, hear about it, doesn't bother me quite as much. To be honest, I don't think I would care if nobody ever read it, just put it out there. Whatever happens happens. It helps me keep up with verbalizing and understanding things better for myself, that's already a win. Communication isn't easy or natural for us. Rather awkward most of the time anyway. Probably why I don't comment on others blog as much as I should too. I'm weirded out by it more than I should most of the time. It's not something I concern myself too much with tho. Blogging is for fun and growth, not an obligation.
Now how is this relevant to this? Why are we into Woo-Woo territory? Because I think that's the part that trips most people up including ourselves. The traditional is that we are humans that are unaware of our spirit because the two are stacked together as one unit seamlessly that nobody notices that consciousness and animal flesh is not the same, it's two different things that are connected and stacked. In Autistic people, it's not integrated, why we struggle so much with normal human concepts. Why NDE can develop weird things. We are humans that already dies and crossed over but somehow stuck here too. But we think with our "dead mind, afterlife mind, spirit mind" We are the reverse mind polarity. We are spirits minded aware of our human selves. We are built from the same parts but they work in the reverse order than it should and makes things really confusing both to understand or explain. Our brains gets the information backwards and we have to consciously flip it to make it. ALL THE FUCKING TIME
We actually live in two different mind worlds simultaneously that are paralleled to each other but very different as far as knowledge, range of emotion or concerns that are backwards to each other. The conscious and Subconscious mind and we have to untangle the two ourselves and stich it back together where the information belongs into something cohesive. Some Autistic people have more challenges than others. since the information comes in broken segments or an unsorted mixed bag, sometimes finding where it belongs and where to put the scotch tape to hold it together to smooth over the "skipping CD" parts (probably the part that causes ocd type behaviors) can be challenging especially if you don't know that or what is going on, it's hard to recognize. Picture your brain being a mirror, ours got shattered on the floor and broke into pieces and there are cracks where information interpretation gets distortions. So I guess like a CD that struggles to be read, along with being broken, it has more information that it should have in the first place and that really doesn't help. Hence Sensory overload.
To put it in perspective how it manifest in non woo-woo ways, dyslexia, the letters and numbers flip backwards making writing and reading harder than it should. On the phone with my S/O today, the first time he ever told me this because, like attracts like, the fact the we can understand certain oddities about each other is because we are probably the same "brained". He mentioned they had to pull him out of algebra because he was interpreting it backwards every time and there was no fixing it no matter what anyone tried. I never related to something so much in my life. He indeed probably is autistic too. omg...no wonder we have critical deficiencies. The blind leading the blind. But who else would accept an autistic person besides another just like it. We are annoying, I know that too. Probably why I could help the other slow kids I suppose. I understood my way and could flip it the human way to adapt and vice versa. We shared the same backwards brain, just different degrees of it.
Same goes for social settings, why we don't understand many of them fully. We interpret the information backwards as it is so our response will already be inappropriate/inadequate to the situation when we react. I have learn to not react and interpret the information as much as I can but to some that appears undecisive and some take offense to it. I don't blame them but my condition is valid too, it just takes me a little more time to analyze situations I don't fully understand like complex family issues nobody wants to address, things like that. The sort of info too has to be manually reversed in some occasions, after encountering the same pattern over and over then it becomes an integrated habit and able to make decisions faster once we know how to analyze the info efficiently and I like to make aware decisions like everyone else. I don't blindly follow, chances are it will be wrong for me anyway.
Did my family know and kept it a secret? Was it just missed? Was it misdiagnosed? I probably will never know. how did I become suspicious of some serious deficiency going on? After I had to quit school to get a job, apartment and whatever else, my only hope at this point was low paying jobs and that was not going to be optimal obviously. I found a way and a plan to return to the local community college and do it in the form of upgrading they called it. I guess some would probably find it to be similar concept than an outreach schooling program, just this one is at a community college but still with a buildable at your own pace class load perfect for somebody who also has to keep a job at the same time. Some of the work can be done at home to compensate or take longer to finish the course.
We have to pass the same provincial tests and requirements as a regular high-school student would need to graduate, that part doesn't change. Being French at the time, part of the government scoring that takes 1/3 of the final exam grade was a 20 page thesis, typed one sided page. We were given a handful of topic choices, were given the assignment at the beginning of the class intake and had a few months to research and build it up to be handed in as we walk into finals week. At first glance, I thought it was going to be an epic disaster. French is not one of those classes that my brain can wrap itself around much like my S/O algebra problem, I struggle with grammar because my brain interprets shit backwards, the grammar in French is more severe than English and every word has a gender that changes spelling. It really escalates the grammar complications compared to English.
Not that my English is well put together either, it's just better...less embarrassing I suppose. My family never understood that, I was suppose to use French as much as I could, go to French school, keep the language legacy strong like any other culture but they never understood the limitations it gave me compared to English and my brain was just not that capable to comprehend French that well. I used to get in trouble for it at gatherings. I didn't care much what they thought because in some sense, it was irrational, if it's easier for me to proceed in English in my daily life, that's my choice. I thought speaking both local languages and being able to communicate with everyone and not be so "clicky" wasn't really something to be shamed for. People are strange. I get the same treatment when I speak French to French people in Alberta so it's not just a Quebec problem.
My grade sucked and I was failing anyway. I pondered not even doing it. Why bother. Jeepers, at the time I struggled with a 500 word book report in French and I don't have a computer. My broke ass couldn't afford one either, I managed my budget from my government funding and my part time job to the penny. My Grand-Parents helped me out with a few additional groceries to compensate where I fell a few pennies short, there was no way I could fork out that sort of cash. WTF am I gonna do now.
I asked everyone I knew if they had a computer they didn't want kicking around in a basement someplace to donate to my cause, all I could find was a handful of broken ones that didn't work. At the time, they were very basic and easy to comprehend it's construction by looking at it. The parts were loud enough that you could spot which one wasn't functioning. So I tested them all figured what was what and dismantled them all, mix and matched the parts and plug ins and rebuild a really shitty one that still worked enough to go on the internet and type stuff, at the time it was just that simple. If it wasn't compatible hardware, the plug-in just didn't fit. Much like my brain, not optimal but functional, accept the little victories in life. Perhaps how I have learned to not get too frustrated about my deficiencies when they feel like trying to walk thru a brick wall as annoying as they are. The parts of me I have to accept.
Despite me ready to accept that I would probably struggle with a 20 page thesis and likely an unsurmountable endeavor for me, I thought I could at least select a topic and research, high-speed internet was just coming out and I was eager to test it's superpowers without getting booted off by a phone call just as the page was about to load after waiting 15 minutes. 4 of them were the more mainstream popular topics everyone chose, I made a face at all of them because to me, they were uninteresting at best. How can I write 20 pages about something I couldn't care less about. OMG. This assignment just gets better doesn't it. One topic, was off the wall, had more potential then the rest but might also be more challenging.
The topic was Mental illness sensitivity/awareness on a lesser known disorder. Didn't specify what, that was our choice. If anything maybe I can figure out my own damn self where local shrinks couldn't if anything. My friend was a newly graduated psychologist, I trusted her and we bounced around ideas as we profiled different people places and things. Not in a rude way, just analyzing, pondering, archetyping things, concepts. At least compare notes with myself and the internet, see what I find, with 3 different sources + adhd whisperer babysitting experience, I might have enough to at least try to piece some form of cohesive paperwork. Would it pass tho?
I knew several kids with featal Alcohol syndrome induced ADHD, they were annoying like me but that was my babysitting gold as a teen and having my license since 12 or whatever age one needed to take the course and pass the exam, these gigs paid double because everyone would quit after the first time and I somehow could handle their challenges better than many too. If any parent needed a consistent break or a night out every week, it was def the parent of one of those kids. I had regulars...lol... OMG...If you know, you know! I got to experience them first hand, even if I didn't know the inner workings, now was a good chance to compare, understand where the behaviors come from.
I came across a test, a list of 70 questions that are asked to determine if one should go get checked for the illness if one scored yes on 20 or more that I was considering to include to my thesis research material. I scored yes on over 50 of them...UH oh...No wonder I get along so well with those little hyperactive brats, we might have more in common than I thought. I didn't overthink it, just continued researching for my assignment, pondering, comparing...forming an observation, present it with my psychologist friend...Ponder it some more. 2 months of that went on, now the deadline was approaching, try putting that into words on paper. Getting the knowledge is never the hard part, expressing it in a way that makes sense to someone other then myself is.
I handed it in and hoped for the best. The grammar was poor and backwards for the most part, I knew it. In my mind I at least tried when I wasn't going to. They didn't know that tho. I get judged like I don't have deficiencies because they are not visible and I can be smart in some topics. French just isn't one of them. It's hard to understand for most people, that somethings our brains just cannot wrap itself around it at all even if it's good/efficient enough elsewhere. Doesn't mean the struggle isn't real.
A few days went by and she was handing the assignments back after having corrected and graded our work. As she delivered mine, I closed my eyes real hard, as hard as I could. I was afraid to look. I already knew it was a grammatical disaster. Did I at least pass? The teacher saw my reaction. She laughed...Relax, take a deep breath and look at it.. Tears probably rolled down my face instantly. I somehow got an 80% on it. the story and the research was so impressive and she learned so much from it and I was the only one to pick the hardest topic of them all, it gave me a little bit of forgiveness in my backwards grammatical catastrophe of a project.
Now another tidbit on why I mainly use English, the grammar is backwards from French. Like a magical solution...now to make my mouth make those sounds so others can understand them. Haha. That was a bigger challenge. Living in Albertaland, had to learn to pronounce that gibberish fuckery that I can only for the most part read at the time. There was no other way, that's the common language here. I have mostly honed that skill pretty good by now, I still butcher a few things but it is what it is.
I guess that's when I discovered I might have a hidden talent to excavate, not that writing was on my list of interest given how frustrating it was and the headaches it gave me. Made me extra self conscious about things so I avoided it like the plague. To be honest, not something I ever touched again until starting on steemit to later Hive as the platforms split for the best in an online valentines day platform romance gone horribly wrong that looked and felt more like an April fool's joke to most of us. except it also wasn't a joke, well maybe a really bad one if anything.
I never got checked for ADHD, most of it is zombie meds and strict behavioral reshaping. I didn't like the zombie impersonal side effects but I did apply the behavioral aspect of things while I kept the concept of me potentially having it in mind, keep an awareness of it at least. I didn't need to know for sure. Growing up, yes I was hyper with lots of energy to burn, like a forever lasting energizer bunny, this body was no low quality made no-name battery in that regards. That was my trick with the little monsters, wear em the hell out playing and running until I have to carry their tiny bodies to bed as they fall asleep from exhaustion. Perfect, that's one of the biggest challenge with ADHD kids, getting them to bed and even worse, to stay there and then to sleep. There isn't enough bedtime stories in the world to ever make that happen. Maybe nobody ever tried reading my blog to them...that would do it...boring extraordinaire. Super-yawn!
As an adult tho, things changed, as I matured, my energy leveled out to a more normal pace and the seemingly hyperactivity part of it faded, working where I work, it's the misfits of society that don't really fit in anywhere else, ADHD is prevalent in that environment, both diagnosed and undiagnosed. The fact that I just can't jive with their sort, I don't judge, I just don't mesh well...they do actually annoy me tho. I just stay away and mind my on business if I can help it. It's good for observations and comparing.
Obviously ADHD wasn't my thing. Some folks grow out of it but I still had the brain scramble that is often associated with the disorder. Still means I had something...just not quite there yet. At the time, the only thing I knew about Autism was the non verbal ones with obvious learning disabilities that needed a lot of extra help so I never really considered it much or even researched it. There wasn't much known about it at the time anyway. I also didn't quite grasp that what I was experiencing sensory overload, I just saw them as shitty character traits I was perpetually trying to iron out not understanding what the problem was in the first place. Just I had triggers and it annoyed me, not really sure what to think of it. Blamed it on maybe that's the pattern I learned growing up and it also was.
In my 30's more info started to come out on Autism and now it was suspected that a high functioning version of it was more prevalent than initially thought, more prevalent in girls and women when ADHD is more prevalent in men. Both share many similar aspects tho. Still wasn't much research but it started to build a much better picture and how to further tackle the sensory overload challenges since it was clear, hyperactivity wasn't my problem. That was helpful, knowing, understanding and having a plan of escape to a quieter location in place so when I am blindsided, I could recognize and remove myself while my body calms down.
The sensory thing is real and it's a pain. One example, not sure if it's PTSD crowed anxiety mixed in together with an autistic sensory trigger, most times I go to a concert, especially if it's hot and humid, my body starts to shake, I get dizzy from too much noise around me and get really nauseated. I sometimes vomit too, embarrassing I try to leave the situation before that point but it has happened. I'm fine after, just the initial shock of the commotion around me. I struggle with fast flashing disco lights type things too or anything too bright. Fucks with my brain real bad. Despite not running right.
To many unrelated loud noises together does the same thing. Example, yesterday, my cat was fighting with the neighbor cat, my phone was ringing at the very same time and a first responder vehicles with the alarm blearing at the same time. That is enough to be bothersome and send the brain into that weird sensory disruption. Obviously a combination of things that would be scary to a normal human like crimes or strange people knocking on my door freaks me out. So does being followed and stuff. Too many "life's comes in 3's" disasters are more challenging to get over and get unstuck.
I count my blessings that I have been able to understand and decipher these things over time as slow and painful as it may be, I really feel for those who cannot understand or communicate what they are going thru if there are verbal challenges, surrounded by humans that also can't fully understand them. Many of these things actually affects us on a physical level making us feel ill and impacts some of our normal neurological functions all of the sudden. That's when my brain really feels like a mashed potato. That feeling when ALL the blinking lights turn on at once and the vehicle significantly slows down to a full stop.
I guess that's enough for now, peace out folks! xox
The rainbows are from Sunwapta falls
