I lashed out, and lost my composure, I shouldn't have, but I did anyway.
And I'd be lying if I say I didn't feel a little bit better after it. My choice of words may have been harsh, and I could have handled things better, but it is what it is.
My evening was going fine. Why did he have to call?.
I feel overwhelmed, and I can't even pinpoint a particular feeling I'm having, anger? Pain? Relief? Sadness?. I'm not sure, but I just couldn't control myself anymore when he stated his reason for calling. My voice was the only way I could express the chaos within me.
What was I supposed to say? "I'm sorry, I'll go help her immediately"?
I have my own needs also, my own struggles. Even I need help, emotional, mentally and even physically. But his concern is limited to just her.
He would never call me just to find out if I'm doing okay, but would call to reprimand me for something as absurd as not helping her loose her hair.
I have things disturbing me recently, a lot actually. I'm overthinking and overstressing, I'm panicking here. Even I have things I'm thinking about, or does he think I don't? How could I priorities her own needs when I could barely keep myself together?
I can't possibly carry her small issues on top of mine. I can't bear the burden of adding someone else worries, as little as it might be, to the load I'm carrying on my own.
I'm almost always overthinking, I'm almost always with something stressing me out, but who do I complain to? Nobody. Who do I call to say I'm not okay? That I have things disturbing me? No one. Aside my phone's AI. I just try to make myself believe that I'm okay, and talk positively to myself. I bear the weight of my thoughts and worries alone.
Even my friends are never aware when I'm in this mode, they just get angry, or leave me alone if I should transfer aggression to them during the times that I can't bear the feeling alone anymore
So why disturb me, when I disturb no one whenever I'm having issues?.
Your reason is because I'm the eldest, but is this how they are treated, that I should be stressed even more than I already am?
Why should I be the one scared of getting reprimanded when she does something wrong? She doesn't do well in her exams, it's my fault because I didn't urge her to read. She gets sick, it my fault because I don't look after her. She's suffering from pimples, it's my fault because I don't monitor how she cares for herself. She goes to class late and get locked out, its my fault because I should have been monitoring the time for her. She made a hairstyle that you don't approve, and my mindset is not good? I love myself more? Like whyyy? Why shouldn't I love myself more? Why shouldn't I just have to worry about just myself, when there's no one to worry about me?
I'm too young for all these. I'm too young for all these stuff troubling my mind that I hardly sleep at night, and it's also the first thing I think about when I wake up. Why then should I carry someone else's burden? an issue as little as struggling to loose her hair herself when mine is a hundred times bigger?. A burden that can't even be compared to mine.
Sometimes I feel I might go crazy with the number of things going on in my mind. Why then should I add one more?
If i had ignored the call, my evening would have continued being just fine. But I feel more better though after writing these out, pouring my heart into these words has brought me a bit of relief. This is the only way actually, that I can really vent the way I like. There's no way I'll possibly say all these to him. And even though I may not yet be ready to confront him, I'll be sure to someday, perhaps in the not-so-distant future.
IMAGE WERE GENERATED USING META AI
