I knelt on the floor of my small apartment, surrounded by a pile of things that I haven't touched in months. Things I no longer can afford keeping with me with the amount of debt I have to pay that keep growing like weed. On the floor was notebooks, shoes, bags, a scarf that had a hint of lavender and all kinds of little things that I once loved. I had said that I was going to get stuff organised today, and find anything that I could sell to help pay off some debts. Then, my finger touched the corner of something flat and soft.
It was a photo of I and a man. With the two of us smiling like the world was ours for the taking. I can remember that day as if it was yesterday, and not years ago. We had met by chance at a newly established restaurant. He was sitting at a table by the corner , looking all clean and serious as he penned down in a notebook, and while trying to find a free spot, I had awkwardly stumbled over a chair. He laughed, offered me a seat at his table, and we talked like we had known each other for years. His name was Gerald.
We started dating few months later and he became a part of my life in ways I didn't expect. Gerald was so thoughtful and considerate, not only through the grand gestures or things he would do but also through the meaningful things that mattered. Like how he helped renovated our house because of a cold draft by the window so that my mother would be more comfortable, opened a shop for her so that she could feel independent, supported my younger sister little ventures, and never said no to anything I wanted. And he did all without ever making me feel like I owed him anything. And me? I only made him laugh. I never imagined there would be anyone who would care about me like that.
But then came the Tiktok videos. At first, I ignored them, I did. There was a girl ranting about men, about patriarchy, about misandry, about feminism, about the "wrongs" in what people called relationships. I told myself it was nonsense, I am a feminist but I do not bore any hatred towards men. My boyfriend, Gerald, as observant as ever, mentioned it once that he didn't feel comfortable with me watching such videos. I laughed it off, skipped the videos and even told myself that I understood his concern.
But the Tiktoker words burrowed into my mind. Little phrases, little ideas, they started clicking. I didn't notice it at first but slowly, they became rules I felt I needed to follow as a female.
I began questioning Gerald. I measured everything he did and said against these ideas. Ideas that I didn't even fully understand. I called him patriarchy for things that I once admired about him. I refused his help sometimes, twisting generosity into something that I was told I didn't owe respect for. I challenged almost everything he did, calling it equality. I argued about independence, empowerment, feminism and patriarchy. I twisted his kindness into proof of "expected servitude", and an imbalance that I needed to correct.
When he proposed starting my own business as well as funding it, I declined.
"I don't need a man's assistant to be independent. I can manage my life myself." I said, repeating words that I don't even understand myself.
Gerald frowned at me. "I just... I just care. That is all. Why does everything have to be a battle of fairness and equality?"
"It's not a battle." I said sharply. "It's about fairness. About me not being taken for granted." Gerald looked hurt that day, but he didn't push. He just let it go.
Or the time, we went on a dinner date together. After finishing our courses, and was time for him to pay, he started having network issues. Gerald looked at me that day and asked me for something for the first time.
"Jacinta, can you please pay for the meal. I'll refund you as soon as I can."
My response was, "Feminism does not allow me to spend my money on a man"
"Babe, I said I would return the money back to you"
"We are saying the same thing" I replied.
Gerald looked like he wanted to say something but did not say anything. After sitting there together at the restaurant for almost an hour, he finally got his network restored and paid for the dinner that we had both shared.
The visit to Gerald's mother was the ultimate straw. Gerald had told me about her. He had told me all about her kindness and sweetness, and I swore to myself that I would be polite. When we got there however, and I saw how he behaves around his mother led me to do the same thing. I held my phone in my hand like a shield just like he did, spoke little, smiled less and offered no acknowledgement to her stories or questions. I barely nodded, listened or even existed in the space she shared with us.
When Gerald confronted me later I had everything planned out in advanced. I had come up with responses to all of his potential arguments against me including some pretty forceful accusations of being patriarchal and abusing authority.
"Why do you do this?" He asked
"What? I only did as you did. If you can not respect your mom, then why do I have to? And this only shows that you won't respect me when if get married"
His face went pale. "I don't respect my mother? I can't believe you'll even say something like this"
"I'm tired of being controlled" I said, repeating the words I learned from Tiktok, thinking myself as powerful. "You don't owe me. You're just... patriarchy"
And that was it. I walked away from the relationship.
Now, months later, here I was, holding this picture. His hands around around my waist and a carefree smile on my face. The picture felt heavy, I could feel the warmth, love, truth and care I had pushed away. I had thought I was standing for something, for equality, power, my voice, but all I had done was throw away someone who treated me like I mattered. Who treated everyone around him with care and dignity.
I did not thank Gerald for his kindness, or for showing love and respect for my family. I didn't tell him how happy he made me for supporting my family and that his support would always be more than I could show him in return. I didn't ask question or even pause to understand. I was thinking I knew better, but I couldn't have been more wrong in my thinking. And I am too ashamed and prideful to go back.
Neither I nor anyone could tell him how regretful I am or take back the cold words or the wrongful accusations or the time it had took away from both of us. What I could do was look at this picture, and recall how I had spoken too much about everything he didn't do instead of concentrating on what I had to say when it counted. I could only sit with the understanding that everything I had lost was never about the money, independence or even control. It was about letting someone who genuinely cared for me slip away because I didn't understand what I had, didn't say what I should have and believed words that I didn't fully understand.
Images were generated using Gemini
