Teni has always had this light around her. The kind that draw people to her without her even trying. People were drawn to her, not necessarily to what she said as much as to the way she smiled or laughed. She had that effect on Amara as well, they became friends after a single smile and quickly became each other's best friend.
Amara was the opposite of her in almost every way. Amara was the quiet one, soft spoken, careful with her words and a little too thoughtful for her own good. They met in the university. Teni sat beside Amara in class because every other seat was taken, and somehow that was all it took. They become inseparable from there. Together, they shared food, study time and rest until they started sharing secrets except for the one secret, the one that continued to cause burns in Amara's chest.
Amara kept telling herself that it was normal to feel this attached to your bestfriend. It was just how deep the friendship was. But it wasn't and Amara knew it wasn't. Because friends do not fell dizzy from being hugged tightly by the other person; friends do not look at their friend too long while they're changing, and friends do not wish for their friends smiles and words to only belong to them.
Amara would sometimes lay awake with Teni, while Teni was fast asleep leaning against Amara. Amara would be awake in bed looking at Teni's face, taking note of her facial feature in the dark and thinking about what Teni would do if she knew her true feeling for her. One day Teni laughed at something Amara said and Amara realised that she would like for her to always be Teni's source of happiness. Amara tried to tell herself it didn't matter though, se doesn't have to say it. Loving Teni quietly was enough. But then, that day came.
They were supposed to hang out on a Saturday. Teni said she wanted to introduce Amara to someone. Amara thought it was a new friend or maybe one of Teni's cousin who had just come to town. Amara didn't ask much. She just dressed up, wore a little perfume, something simple but nice because Teni always noticed those small things.
Getting there, Amara met Teni standing outside the Café, smiling like she had good news. And beside her was this guy, he was tall, dark-skinned, clean haircut, and that "good boy" type you just know your parents would be approve of.
"Amara!" Teni said, grabbing Amara's hand. "This is my boyfriend, Damilola."
Boyfriend.
"Oh" Amara said forcing a laugh. "Wow. I did not know you were seeing someone."
Teni grinned. "I wanted to surprise you."
Surprise. Teni had no idea she just tore something inside Amara wide open. Damilola and Amara shook hands. He then said something polite and complimented that Teni always speaks highly of Amara and thinks of her as a sister.
Sister. If only he knew.
The three of them sat inside, and Teni and Damilola talked and touched, while Amra just sat there pretending to scroll through her phone. Every small touch between them made her stomach twist. Everytime Damilola leaned in to whisper something something in Teni's ear, Amara wanted to disappear.
Amara did not stay long. She claimed to have work to do and left even before she finished her food. Teni gave her a hug before she left, while Amara was rigid and fighting off the urge to break down in front of them.
Once she arrived home, Amara cried. Not out loud but silently. Just tears and shaking and the ache. Amara wasn't angry at Teni. She couldn't be. Teni hadn't done anything wrong. She didn't even know what she had just done to Amara. The anger was for herself. For loving Teni the way she did, for wanting something she could never say and for thinking that maybe, somehow, Teni would feel the same way if she stayed close enough. Foolish.
Teni called later that night but Amara didn't pick up. The next morning, she texted:
You seemed off yesterday. Did I do something?
Amara typed a lengthy text and then deleted it. Typed again. Deleted again. In the end, she went with:
No.
For a while, she avoided Teni. She said she was busy, said she had emergencies or assignments. Teni noticed, of course. She always does.
"Amara, what's going on?" Teni asked one evening, finally confronting Amara in the middle of class. Her eyes were sharp, worried and a little hurt. "You've been... different. Pulling away. I am confused. Did I do anything wrong?"
Amara was staring at her fingers twisted around a pen, becoming increasingly anxious about what to say. She wished to say anything but the truth. "It's nothing" Amara muttered. "I just... I don't know."
Teni leaned forward, frustrating breaking through. "Amara, stop. You're my bestfriend. I can tell when something is wrong. This is just being busy. I want you to be honest with me, something is bothering you."
Then, the weight in Amara's stomach increased. Honesty. That word struck more fear in her heart than all the other. Being honest was indicating at one area of her life that she had not let anyone know before. To be honest was an admission of that truth that she has developed feelings for Teni that was not purely platonic, and she didn't think she could handle it if the feeling were unrequited.
"I... I can't" Amara whispered, but Teni didn't let go.
"You have to, Amara."
And something inside Amara snapped. The dam she had been holding back for as long as she has known Teni broke in a rush of words and emotions. "I love you." She said, the sound of it surprising even herself. "I am in love with you, Teni. I have been in love with you for a very long time now and I thought... I thought that you could feel the same about me, maybe you..." Amara's started crying before she could stop the tears. "But then you got yourself a boyfriend."
Teni sat still trying to figure out what to say or how to respond. "Amara, I..."
"No, don't. Just... don't." Amara continously wiped away her tears. "I distanced myself because I was not able to... manage my feelings for you while knowing that you don't feel the same for me." Amara continued. "I was scared I will jeopardise our relationship, but I couldn't keep up the facade of everything going well"
Teni reached out and placed her hand above Amara's hand. "You know that I care for you very much. You are my best friend."
Amara let out a bitter laugh. "You are my bestfriend and I love you, but that is not going to be enough. Not for me." She looked down at her table "I can't make you feel the same way. I can't expect you to."
Teni's eyes glistened with unshed tears, while Amara's chest ache. The truth had changed everything. Amara continued to distance herself. She felt compelled to withdraw and protect herself. This was not out of anger or spite but her need to protect herself.
The fact that Teni was freeing laughing and loving someone else reminded Amara of the love Teni could never give her. It wasn't easy for Amara and she does not think it ever will be.
Images were generated using Gemini
