Message to my Mom

If I could send a letter where you are,
Up above the skies and every distant star,
If words could travel what we can’t see,
And find their way from me to thee,

I’d start with all the things I missed,
The final hug, the final kiss.
The calls I thought I’d make someday,
The words I didn't say and slipped away.

I’d tell you how the house still feel
As if you are here standing still,
How certain songs still make me pause,
As if you are near without a cause.

I’d say I hope you’re free from pain,
No sleepless nights, no further strain.
I hope wherever you now stand,
You're in the paradise, a bounty land.

There’s so much life you did not see,
The small new parts of who I’d be.
The wins, the scars, the tears I hide,
The ways I learned to stand with pride.

I wonder if you'll be proud of me
Once you see where I would be.
Though I didn't reached the height I want
I wonder I would if you held my hand.

Sometimes I speak into the air,
Half believing you are there.
In quiet rooms, in crowded days,
I feel you in the smallest ways.

I find myself crying at times
putting my words in these thoughtless rhymes.
It's just one tool you left in me
A thread we shared, the creativity.

I'm sorry if I were far worse now
I know if you're here, you won't allow.
You'd push and drive me to success
and support me with all your best.

I'm sorry if I were a failure for you
I know you'd say I'm not but this was true.
The helplessness I felt when you're not here.
Only grows as well as my fear.

I always imagine what life would be
If you're right here with me.
If spirits can read and my words could reach.
I hope this would reach you without a hitch.

So if this message finds you somehow,
Beyond the then, beyond the now,
Tell me this before I move on.
Are you still with me when I’m alone?