I'm depressed. Clinically, I have Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Essentially, this means that a bunch of psychologists agree that I've been sad and irrationally afraid of things for a long enough period of time to warrant putting an official label on it. It also means that I typically wake up feeling bad and remain feeling bad. One doctor told me that my condition might be severe enough that I could go on disability for it, but I don't want to do that. I just want to be normal and feel normal.
I've spoken with therapists and I've taken medication. Therapists haven't been much help, and I question the effectiveness of medication, but I think it does at least help me feel a little better.
I think the root of my infinite sadness, if I may borrow a term from the Smashing Pumpkins, is currently tied to work. Before marrying, it was tied to relationships and loneliness. Knowing this, I think that there must be a deeper root to my sad feelings. I just don't know what it is.
I feel lost. Work hasn't been what I thought it would be, starting a new career is unstable and difficult, and I honestly just thought life would be different. I lack guidance. I feel hopeless.
I'm reading a book to help me with some of these issues. I just struggle with the unknown and I always think my current situation is permanent. I don't want it to be.
Yes, I've thought about death and I'm not ashamed to have done so. I won't harm myself like that because I have a small family who depends on me, and I know that they'd prefer to have me here than they would not have me at all. It wouldn't be fair to desert my spouse and baby, and it would cause immense grief.
I do wonder why I must suffer like this. I just want to feel good and be productive and happy. If I work a standard 9-5 job, then I want to come home and feel good spending time with my family. If I work something less traditional, then I want to earn enough to provide well, and still see my family.
I've long intended to make it so my spouse doesn't need to work, but I'm beginning to think that's a bit of a dream. I don't know what I'm doing.
I know that when working a job, I lose motivation and interest sometimes quickly. So much of work seems meaningless.
I've long said that I want to make most of my money on investments. I've also long wanted to be some kind of financial advisor. Building the latter is hard, and doing the former either requires great skill or a load of money up front. In either case, I worry that I can't do it.
I just want to feel good and earn plenty of money. Is that too much to ask? I'm not asking for millions per year. I'm just wanting enough to provide for my family.
If I go for a regular 9-5 job, then I'm not sure I'll be happy, but at least it will be somewhat steady. My spouse will need to work because wages out here aren't exactly great, but the cost of living and taxes are decently low. This means that my child and the children I intend to have in the future will need to be taken care of by another person, which doesn't make sense to me.
I want to feel better and be successful. But for now, I don't see it. Of course, I never see it.