I'm a deep water fish designed to live under pressure I guess. When the pressure subsides, everything becomes a bit empty, a bit depressing. And the energy seeps away somewhere.
Summer evenings sometimes evoke melancholy as if you feel this constant passage of time. Because they evoke the recollections of an endless string of the other summer evenings in your life, stretching back into eternity.
It's strange to have the feeling of temporariness as a key motivational factor. Like in a game when a frog needs to constantly jump from one floating leaf to another. Because they begin to drown the moment the Frog lands on them.
One morning I woke up with the thought, that I should have been hurrying to be on time to meet my friends because we had planned something really cool that day. The next moment I realized; the thing I thought about happened fifteen years ago. Everybody became fifteen years older and hardly even remember that thing we were crazy about.
Speaking of the passage of time. At the certain summer evenings, certain events from the past begin to feel as if they happened yesterday. And then there is a weird thought like probably some freak accident happened, and I had been catapulted into future. Because nobody I talked to yesterday is around. Because it had been fifteen years ago.
Sometimes I begin to wonder what my motivations are, or my life goals. Like somewhere I've read, you should find out. For example, pick some accomplished, famous people you want to resemble. It definitely doesn't work for me.
Sometimes I think how cool it would be to live devoting my whole life to science, like cool scientists. But the next day this idea seems dull, and I want to devote myself to something else. Like to studying philosophy or psychology or maybe my vocation is to pick around all the fields of life, not getting anywhere deep enough. Or just to walk under the sun, pick flowers and not give a shit.
Maybe I don't want to live one life. Because you stick to one thing and you miss the multiple other things in life that are so cool and enticing. And here comes this feeling of the passage of time in the summer evening, when you start to wonder if what you do is really what you want to do. Because there is so little time.
