As far as I can tell, it has become fairly obvious that the journey of self-discovery is not an easy one. I don't know if this is the case for everyone, but my experience in my 'search for self' has not been yielding a parallel result.
It's too bumpy... almost messy.
Just think of how it feels to drive down a bad road, filled with potholes. That's not even a good metaphor in this case, but I hope you get the gist.
You see, I've been told to genuinely believe that my life is heading in the right direction. Even in the discussion I recently had with a very special lady, she told me to always be positive-minded about the path I'm taking and to worry less about things that are beyond my control.
I understand where the advice is coming from. I truly do.
She knows how wild I can be when I look at myself in the mirror to ask important questions about my life and how much I'm yet to achieve. It's crazy. Very often, it starts with my mind yelling at me, "you failure of a guy". I end up knocking 7 shades of sh*t out of myself. To crown it all, I find myself feeling like a bum.
Can you imagine what it feels like to be me?
What you've read so far is a good picture of how my life can be whenever I'm having my moment of weakness while trying to reflect on my efforts and near-success experiences. It's a dark side which I have been dealing with alone for the most part of my life. It can be such a tiring battle for a normal lad like myself.
Make no mistake though; I can proudly say that I'm continuously having a coming-of-age moment with these. I'm quite toughened up, so I try to contend with my mind. I try not to feel too dejected about the big dreams I have which are looking fairly unachievable at the moment. If anything, I try to keep myself inspired. Even when reality knocks me down, I bounce back and go again.
That's who I am. I'm resilient. I'm lovable. I'm a lad with really big dreams. I have plans to live an unconventional lifestyle and I'm always ready to take my opportunities where they present themselves. I say the truth with lots of pride...
...and I care so much about family.
Talking about family, there have been moments when I wished I was from the kinda family where I can dream and have it become a reality. A family where finance will never be an obstacle to my plans.
Well, that was the case when my thoughts were revolving around the fantasy world of a wishful teenager. At the moment, I count myself to be quite fortunate to have the type of family I have. What we lack in finances, we have an abundance of it in the form of genuine love and empathy towards one another.
As far as I can tell, it has become fairly obvious that I'm the type of guy that is ready to make sacrifices to see my family and loved ones happy. I do these within reasons.
From all indication;
I'm a guy that knows my flaws as much as I know my strengths. I know I will never give up on my dreams just because I'm feeling the harshness of the storm. My mind can kick shades of nonsense out of me and I will still keep my sanity intact.
I tried loads of things last year, but so many of them didn't work out. I will try more things this year. I'm never the type that is filled with naive optimism. I just do the needful and look forward to the best that can come out of it. That's who I am.
My mind still questions some of the things I choose to do in life especially when I'm not getting results. You sure don't want to see how knackered I can be when my mind is yelling at me. To be fair, this war between me and my mind doesn't seem to be ending any time soon.
That's the conclusion I reach every time I go on a 'search for self'. I hope to find me, as soon as possible.
Thanks For Not Missing Any Full-stop Or Comma
- This is my entry to The Ink Well Creative Nonfiction Writing Prompt #12: In Search of SELF. The first of many.
- Thumbnail Image is taken from Pixabay