As a Christian, sometimes it's difficult to stay committed to things like, "the plan" and "what He has in store for you". I understand that He wouldn't give me anything in life that I couldn't handle... and while He's certainly thrown me my fair share of curve balls and set backs, overall, 2018 has been one of the most difficult years I've had to endure. With the loss of one of my best friends to suicide earlier this year, and losing my grandfather to cancer just two weeks ago, it's been difficult for me to keep a positive outlook.
Now I'm not looking for any sympathy per se. I honestly don't know what I'm looking for... maybe just a place to vent and open up.
My grandfather fought a good fight against cancer. For all of us who loved him, there were a lot of emotional ups and downs that went along with it. There were several occasions that we were called into the hospital because they didn't think he would make it through the night.
The most heart wrenching thing that I've ever seen in my life occurred a few months ago when we thought we would lose him throughout the night. Family rushed in from all over the country to see him one more time and tell him how much he's loved. Family and friends gathered in the room and filled it with love... and then it happened. My grandpa felt like his time was near. He looked at my grandma and said, "Can I please have one more kiss before I go?" I've never in my life felt my heart break like it did in that moment. A man asking his wife of nearly 60 years for just one more kiss. Imagine kissing the same person, every day, for nearly 22,000 days in a row. Tens of thousands of kisses and you ask for just one more. I felt like my chest was imploding. I wanted to cry. I wanted to rush home to kiss the girl that I love. I wanted more time.
This of course was followed up by a moment that only my grandpa could pull off. Now, bear in mind, my grandpa was as ornery as they come. The way he brought life and laughter to a room is unmatched by anyone that I've ever met. After his request for one last kiss, he looked around the room and thanked everyone for being there for him. For giving so much love and told everyone that there that it was the greatest moment of his life, that he was so lucky to be a part of such an amazing family. He then told everyone goodbye. He literally said, "Alright, goodbye." and closed his eyes.
As if our hearts weren't already shattered into tiny pieces by his request for one more kiss... they were now. The room fell silent as we stared at him with tears in our eyes. But after a few seconds we started glancing back and forth between him and the heart rate monitors. What was probably less than a minute felt like a lifetime. Nothing was changing on the monitors and yet there he laid... still as could be with his eyes closed. After a brief moment, he cracked one eye open... as if he was was trying to sneak a peak at something. Slowly opening both eyes, he looked around the room and asked, "Well what are all of you still doing here!?"
"Well Damnit Grandpa, you're still alive!"
"Well would you look at that..." with a smile on his face, as ornery as ever. Once more, he was able to lift the spirits of the room. He stayed up until 4:00 AM through the night, talking and laughing with loved ones, and over the next few months gained more and more strength, shocking all the doctors.
It wasn't until about 3 weeks ago that things really took a turn for the worse. As hard as he fought, the cancer in his pancreas, kidneys, and lungs were too much for him to handle. He passed away at home, with his wife and three children with him.
Unfortunately, I'm no different than anyone else. People all over the world have to battle cancer. It affects everyone- those battling the cancer themselves, as well as their family and friends. All we can do is stay strong and positive for those around us. Support one another as best we can and take the time to grieve over the ones that we lose.
Now with all that being said, I've taken quite a bit of time for myself. I wouldn't necessarily say I've been grieving this whole time, although I'm sure subconsciously that's exactly what I've been doing. I've spent less time on social media... less time with friends... and unfortunately, less time with family- the very people would probably need me most right now. Meg and I actually took a little road trip this past weekend just to get away. It was pretty spur of the moment, but it was nice to get into a vehicle and just drive. It was certainly a neat little adventure. I'll actually probably follow up this post with a recap of that road trip :)
