You know what sucks? Missing someone.
For 21 years, missing people is something I have grown a custom to. I quit speaking to my Father when I was 10, so I missed him a lot growing up, and sometimes do now. Then over the years in Middle School and High School I gained and lost friends - which is something that happens - but that doesn't mean I wasn't upset by them. Now that I am older though, it's harder to be able to lose a friendship and pick another one back up. Although honestly, for me it was always hard to do that - so I guess I mean it's harder now.
I went through friends a lot and still do. I'm not going to blame them, nor will I blame myself, shit happens, but I always expect people to do for me what I would do for them and the sad fact is that not a lot of people will do that. Plus I am honest; possibly too honest. So, not a lot of people can put up with that. But the ones who have: I have held them so dear to my heart - even if over the years we drifted apart.
I can list on one, maybe two hands the friendships that mean a lot to me. Starting off with my first ever Best Friend, Josie. I met her in Virginia and stayed Besties with her until I moved to Colorado, and I still luckily get to talk to her every now and then. I had my first Birthday party with her, sleepover, gossips, and pillow fights. When I think of how much I loved being a kid, I'll remember her being a part of it. In Middle School there was Maddie , Lydia , Nathan and Bianca. I stayed friends with Maddie until High School when we had a silly girl fight about a boy. Up until we quit being friends though, we would have sleepovers all the time and laugh all night. With Lydia, Nathan, and Bianca we all just slowly parted ways in High School, which happens, but did make me sad. I remember Bianca and I would sleep in my tiny closet and play our DS all night, or we would make each other into burritos out of blankets. Lydia and I would play awful music and try our best to dance - even though truthfully - we were terrible. Then Nathan was like my other brother from another mother, we went to parties and made awful decisions, which in the long run make for great stories. When we all finally parted ways though I became friends with Boston (at the time I was in High School), a guy who lived only a few blocks away, and who my Mother liked, a little too much. There was definitely a little fling going on, but it never sparked off completely because of other drama with girls and myself. So we remained close friends until we just quit talking. I couldn't tell you the complete reason why, feelings got complicated, friendship got messy, I moved on, I don't know. We catch up every now and then - but I definitely miss hanging out like we did. That goes for all of them. I wish I was able to keep the close friendship with all of them that we had.
Then I left High School. When I left I burrowed. I started Instagram and hid myself behind it. It was a way for me to be able to meet people without putting myself out there too much so I wouldn't get hurt. Eventually I started to come out of my bubble and that's when I met Cassidy. She was the closest friend I had since Middle School and I talked to her everyday. We were friends for a year until a fight stopped it for a little, then friends again, fight again, now no longer friends. Girls. I was truly heartbroken to lose her friendship, but that's life. Luckily life gave me Dallas and her daughter Cece to make up for losing her. I love them so much and talk to Dallas on a regular basis. But even though I had them I still had to learn to grow and glow through the hard times and heart aches on my own.
I made a bunch of other amazing friends through Instagram, more than I could name, and for all of them I am grateful. But nothing compares to those deep friendships where you felt like all you needed was one another. You know? The ones where you actually felt like those cheesy friendships bracelets, two pieces, that fit perfectly together. Just close your eyes for a moment and think about a person who's friendship meant the world to you. That feeling. Your heart almost jumps for joy and you instantly smile. That's what I miss. I miss having that feeling with all of them. I miss making that feeling with new people.
Now, if you're reading this and we were; are friends, you may be thinking,"I'm not in this?! I guess I wasn't important!" Which I will tell you right now, is not true! I love you and you mean a lot to me, these are just the ones that stuck to me like gum, and that come to mind right away. If I was going to write about every friendship, and all my amazing memories, it would take hours, and you would definitely be apart of it. (Hugs.) Even if you are just my virtual friend I love you and you mean a lot to me.
Now you may think I am being all lovey, or too all up in my feels, but I know that I am not the only one that has ever missed someone. I do know though that I am not one to openly admit on a regular basis when I am feeling upset in any way; whether it be loneliness, missing someone, or stress; just for the reason of being judged. Which is silly, because these are emotions that we all have. So that is why I am writing this. For the sole purpose of sharing how I truly feel, no barriers, 100% honesty, in hopes that you will be more honest. Honest to yourself and to everyone around you, because like I said, we all have these emotions. So don't be ashamed, even though I know I have been, don't be afraid, even though I have been, be open - to being open, like I am right now. Yes, I am being honest and putting all this out into the world, and even I don't know what will come of it, but I am hopeful it will be something good.
Be hopeful. Be honest.
Kat Rae
