My brothers wedding was beautiful. Chelsea; his now wife; looked gorgeous and my brothers smile told the world just how much he loved her. The center where they had their wedding was beautiful. We decorated everything with candles, moss, pine trees, roses, stars, and babies breath. It was a magical forest - starry night. Everything went smoothly until Dewey arrived; my father; and added some tension between all of us.
At first - seeing him - I felt fine. I watched him walk up; my brother walked away; and I stayed to say hello. When he approached at first I was unsure what to say, but in the moment I just looked at him and said," Hello Dewey." As soon as the words left my mouth I saw the sadness in his eyes because I didn't call him Dad. I hate to say at first; it made me feel good. For all these years, I had no idea if us not speaking mattered to him at all. I thought I was the only one upset, so to see him hurt, made me feel good for not being the only one. I asked how he was doing then I walked away and for a slight moment felt empowered and strong. Oh - did it come crumbling down though.
Surprisingly though - I wasn't the only one affected by him. My brother was upset to see him as well. Which, I wasn't quiet expecting. I thought he would be angry - but not hurt, and to see that side of my brother was hard and unexpected. After my Dad talked to my brother, it hit him a little hard. So it was my turn next.
The reception went lovely, other than rogue bees. I will forever remember my brothers silly grin when he saw his now wife for the first time. After, they walked down the isle to Come and Get Your Love by Redbone and we went and danced and ate delicious food until everyone was ready to leave. That's where the main trouble began...
My brother and I went to go talk, but had to come back to say our goodbyes to everyone. Most of which were sad - yes, but ended happy because it was a good time and it was just nice to be brought together again. The one goodbye that was exceptionally hard was saying goodbye to my Dad. Throughout the entire reception you could just see the pain in him and all you wanted to do was console him, which sucked because I had no idea how or why I should. So I made the decision to give him a hug, because deep down I wanted one too, and I think we both needed it - even if it hurt.
But as he hugged me - he whispered in my ear," I'm sorry. I love you, I will always love you and miss you. I am always here if you need me or anything. I love you. " I tried to pull away from the hug to go run and cry but he just squeezed tighter, he didn't want to let me go again... I tried to speak, although I don't know what I would have said - and he just told me," You don't have to say anything." Then I started crying and he let me go, and I walked as far away as I could. Now those words, and the pain in the hug, is branded into me and are playing on a loop in my brain. No fun.
I was thankfully cheered up at the moment by Roman candle - wizard fights - and I was able to enjoy the rest of the wedding. Which, I really hope Chelsea and Kris enjoyed too, and I hope it was everything they imagined and more. Because out of any couple that deserved a perfect day, and endless happiness, it's them.
The next day, today - Monday, I left to go back home. Which I can say - thank fucking god. This trip has been emotionally and physically exhausting and I am just ready to cuddle my bae, puppies, and kitten. The only thing that sucked about leaving was leaving my family I enjoyed, yes we bicker, but that's family - that's my family and I love it no matter what. Mainly I was sad to leave my Mom though. For once we were having a lot of fun and really getting along and I didn't want it to end. I just wanted to put her in my pocket and take her with me. Make shrink rays already someone so I can! I hugged her goodbye and cried, per usual, then cried the majority of the drive today - which was 13 hours.
You'd think by now my tears would be all dried up and I would run out, but no. I have infinite, which sucks. Being sad, missing someone, or feeling lonely isn't a fun emotion. No one sits down and thinks," Damn - I really wish I was sad as fuck right now!" No - we all hope for happiness, but for some it's harder to find. My happiness is kinda a vise versa - needle in a haystack. It's a piece of hay in a needle stack. By that I mean - I will get poked and hurt, even broken, but it will all be worth it in the end when I find my piece of hay. Whatever it ends up being.
I just gotta keeping growing and glowing.
Kat Rae
