What do I have to say that will be value? I'm curious because I'm asking in a state where I realize I have misinterpreted value, and require a process to realign my value to the value of life, and this definition has become the fountain from which all my decisions and behaviour come from, and changing this one thing would imply that I have to change myself completely. I crossed swords with my family and I notice some things. The intent behind driving the behaviour or words are never hidden. In spite of my past blindness, if you really step back from your reactions, which is few, it's there. And just like me what people put themselves into by thinking about it alot or doing things in the same way you get a sense of the history people walked, not a full view but it's like muscle memory but mind based, you hear it in the words, probably feel it in the touch, probably in the kind of deeds a person commits to. But the deeds we never get a full view of the consequences which would have inferred the nature of the deed. The few times we're in a safe space and in a peaceful calm state, a sense of the intent within/as words, deeds, behaviours is plainly seen.
I spoke with X and stated how no matter what I'm doing, it's never enough it can always be a bit better. Being told in many ways that I am not doing enough for myself, it's my life what's it matter to her, I'm an adult now, I noted and spoke that I took it cynically and negatively. To her it's being a bit better, and who can't be a bit better all the time, no matter the age, life experiences, talents, you can be better. What I proposed as a solution was to say it in a way that I understand what needs to be done, what can be done. And X told me she couldn't tell the difference. But more about my process, I estimate that if the chasing for good were grounded in what she sees I am able to do, but I am deciding not to do it, and to rather give suggestions as an introduction to finding the real reason why, I won't object or react. Of course the excuses were brought up, we're adults, I'm too lazy to apply what you suggest, too much work, you're responsible for your own life, you live with the consequences of your actions, I just won't say anything, I won't care anymore since you hear me speak real shit and don't take it the right way, I won't say what I think anymore. Time tells me if she'll accept her own excuses, or if she cares enough to make her own dissatisfactions with me into something more constructive. I don't agree with the opinion that nagging is a form of care, I interpret it as the other's outlet to materialize their dissatisfaction and exert their standards through spoken words often triggering feelings of inferiority or a fear of not being enough, it's a form of manipulation and venting at the people they're stuck with. If I really cared about someone and he told me this, I would immediately change the sentence structure of my words. And create my apparent care into some form of spoken words that responsibility is grasped and opportunity is realized, create care into care with measurable consequences proven best for all over time. So I don't know what X is doing. It doesn't matter, I got my own mind shit to walk.
In spite of crossing swords I'm still here. And it's noticed to be amazing to be here on Earth, having a physical body amongst uncountable bodies and different beings. I think history is most epic as the history that everyone was forced to live with, because add self honesty and all the wars being fought will change into lessons. Not just any lesson, the exact lessons you need to learn specific to your weakness that you victimize yourself to, or mope around in despair, or depression as an attempt to manipulate your environment, that you fight through resisting and denying the weakness, that you accept to be as comfortable as your breathing, basically anything but the one starting point and perspective and path and way to get rid of weakness. Self honesty applied to only your own history liberally throughout time, and everything you've done becomes value, all the mistakes are absolved by you, the most important person that weighs all of the mistakes, all the detours don't end up as dead ends but doors to self discovery. It's funny that people throughout time have probably made all the mistakes I made, but just because it's mine I think sometimes it's the end of me. What mistakes have you made that haven't been made by another throughout history? Bernard asked me that question. Meaning what places so much value on your one or two mistakes when it's not new and will not be the last person born onto Earth making that mistakes? They lived and died with the exact same mistake you made, and they lived. Earth is gracious and very very forgiving. Too bad I need to forgive myself for even that detail to mean something and represent value.