I thought when I moved to a new city my life would change dramatically. I finished my masters, moved back into my parents place and after a month moved up north, taking only a few possessions, my student debt and the small ounces of positivist I had left.
I still feel that it can be positive, but it's all a drastic change. It's been a long time since I've had to work full time, and I was hoping that it would be a discovery period for me -- perhaps it still can be. I moved into a house with a friend, a friend who helped push me to develop a lust for life. Usually I'm introverted, I have about two hours of pure social energy a day and once it's been used I feel dried out like a towel. Upon my arrival he's spend about 12 out of the 14 days with the same girl, and all his ideals of doing crazy things and living life to the full have gone out the window. I'm not necessarily mad, but just like a parent, disappointed. I think it begs the question: How many times am I going to rely on other people for my own happiness?
It's difficult, expensive and inconvenient to make friends as an adult. As a kid, I remember turning to someone sat next to me and saying "do you want to be my friend,". Though, I don't think I necessarily make it easy on myself, with the way that I view people. I'm very cynical, analytical and will find it hard to see qualities in people, and all of these things mean that the people that I shun are better than I am, and perhaps are better off without me. I've attended Meetup groups, met people and tried to stay in contact, but it's always easier just to revert into myself. And that's what I do: I drink, I eat bad food, I play copious amounts of video games and chat to the same 3 friends who I love. I think my biggest contradiction at the moment comes from what I want and what I have. I know the grass is always greener, but here I am, two weeks into a new city and sat alone at home, drinking, messaging people that I could have been with, and constantly wondering about a life that could have been. Tomorrow, I'll wake up with energy, go to a job that I have just started and already dislike, and spend time there chipping away at the small reservoir of energy that I have till I feel terrible in the evening. Perhaps on the weekend, I can drink enough and get in the right frame of mind so that I can think I'm happy over a pattern of thoughts that are mine, and then I'll push my validation on taking someone home, and it may well fail.
This is just more of an emotional dump than a blog post, I just had to write out how I feel. Disappointing, and hoping that it'll all change. This weekend I'm going to make a plan to get the life that I actually want -- and this has been a method that has been productive for me before: allow yourself a day or two of wallowing (although, for me it may be longer) and then make a plan to go get the result. That means it's okay to feel like shit, but you can change it.
If you made it to the end, thank you. I feel less lonely now.