Why are diapers like $10 bills? Because you have to change them.
Jaws (2015): ""(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you're on your way great thanks""
Never tell a woman to calm down when she's drunk, it's like baptizing a cat. It's not gonna work
What starts with 'D' and has two letters in it? w
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account. I'm good.