Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven't been able to bone my wife lately and I really think- DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Why are alcoholics the same as necrophiliacs? When they feel like fucking death they crack open a cold one.
Every mile you jog adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 85 you can spend an extra 5 months in a nursing home at $8,000 per month.
I'm going to open a bank ... ... with a clawbar!