What do pigs do on nice afternoons? They go on pignics.
Her: OMG! The holidays aren't an excuse to stuff your face with whatever edible that crosses your path. Me: I eat like this everyday.
[my dog lays down on my date's lap instead of mine] date: ""i had a good time tonight"" me: ""i think you need to leave""
Why are gardeners good at spreading religion. Because they can plant churches.
A couple were french kissing, then the guy looks at the girl and says "" I think I swallowed your gum"" Nah, says the girl, I just have a cold.