Why do zombies always kill at comedy clubs? Because their jokes are told post-humorously!
I've got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that's supposed to change my life.
I always tell my kids that it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
What do a wife and a tornado have in common? First, they suck. Then, they blow. Finally, they take half your house.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.