I decided to check in with my different
work ventures today, not because I wanted to make money, but because I was trying to see if I could get my life back on track, sadly, it seems I'm not ready to accept my new reality, and it feels like the pain is only beginning. It's surprising how life can just suddenly change.
In January, I was bubbly and hopeful that the year would turn out very well. I made plans, and set different goals and aspirations of how I wanted the end of the year to be for me.
However, two months to the end of the year, I've experienced the most devastating and irrecoverable loss of my life. I've been slowly ebbing away, drowning in the pool of my own pain. Everything I try to do feels like a bandaid. Talking to people hurts even more, contrary to what everyone is saying.
It's hurtful talking to people because it's difficult to strike a conversation without my new reality impacting the outcome of that conversation. Life is colorless when the people you love are no more, it feels like every dream, and every aspiration is just vanity.
It's surprising how we can be full of ambitions and aspirations without knowing what tomorrow might bring.
One of the biggest weapons of man is hope and the ignorance of tomorrow.
Knowing that life drops the bomb on anyone at any time, might just take away the bliss or beauty of living. Just like me, my health is a very big issue, but for so many years, I've beat the odds and lived a very decent life traveled around, met pleasant people, and tasted great food.
Good health or not, I've taught myself to enjoy every moment, set my mind to accomplishing the unthinkable, and all these have been because of the believability of hope, and the expectations of tomorrow for myself and my family, but at the moment, it seems as if that hope has been taken from me and the only thing that remains is the fear of uncertainty and despair.
For 3 weeks, I've found it difficult to get my life back on track, not that I tried, because everything now seems like futility. The people who are encouraging me to shake off the disaster of my brother's passing seem to have tired, and why not?
There's no motivation that is ever uplifting, and most of these people seem to have silently stopped because it's not working. It's unbelievable to see how life moves on irrespective of how unbelievable a tragedy can be.
For me, it seemed that everything around me had moved on, while I was still holding on, unable to accept this reality. This is proof that pain is perceptive, life stops for people who cannot accept reality.
Their jobs, business, and ambitions stop, while life continues gracefully and everyone gets back to how life was. I feel that a lot of people are indifferent about loss, and this is because they've not personally felt it.
The only way to really pay attention is when your reality resets as a result of the impact of pain.
In reality, the degree of impact is often dependent on closeness, and while I never expected that such a thing could happen in my family, the more it's difficult for me to accept and move on.
While I believe that no one can relatively know my pain, I feel that everyone eventually knows and understands it, the only difference is time. In reality, time plays a role in how differently we feel pain.
For my only sibling: young, healthy vibrant, and had a full life in front of him. Having all that snatched away without accomplishing anything or truly making any impact is why the pain hits differently. Nowadays I feel more fragile.
For someone who felt some level of mental toughness, I only realized that this toughness was built on hope, and nothing else. Now that hope is taken away and all that is left is fear and insecurity. I'll keep showing up. Everyone is emphasizing time, but it feels like it gets worse by the day, maybe my clock ticks anticlockwisely, maybe not. The truth is that something has given inside of me, and this is something that time might not take away.
Interested in some more of my works
