I won't say my life has completely been a bed of roses, in fact in my teenage years, I battled the mental and physical exhaustion that came with my chronic health condition, it was worse when I was younger. The point is, that it comes to a time in life when the battle you're fighting is either harder or easier. This means that we're adaptable, sometimes we get used to pain so much that we might no longer feel its sting just like someone out there might mentally envisage the pain from an external point of view.
However, sometimes it gets so bad we find it difficult to live with. Our endurance level takes a hit, and we're down, spiraling, and struggling again. 4 months ago, I was starting to finally come to terms with my new reality, in fact things were going well and it seemed like everything wasn't so bad after all, but some catastrophe events happened, I was back to going to the hospital after decades and then I began to unravel things I didn't know or have knowledge of.
This dampened my mood. The more I began to seek answers the more possibilities I began to unravel. Of course, this affected my social life. For someone who was a guy who liked to leave a mark, I became someone who wanted to be invisible. I left a lot of unread messages and unanswered calls, nothing could console me, I began to sink in my own thoughts and it finally began to show in my physical appearance. The healthcare system here didn't helped and worsened my fears, I met a lot of "wannabes* for medical professionals and I had to begin to do my own research on my own.
My research didn't allay my fears, it only gave me the knowledge and answers I sought. Someone texted to say I was always unhappy, while this is presently so, this wasn't the person I was. A lot of people who know me would personally attest to this, but then when you're persistently exposed to the darkness, it leaves its crumbs of smoke and ashes on you. Of course, I cannot completely say I'm in control.
My personality and who I am has been tainted, it's funny, I mean, life's completely funny, strange, and unpredictable, sometimes when life's good on you, you might inadvertently develop a lack of empathy. But when life's persistently unfair to you, it makes you seek out people who you think can understand your situation, and this can either plunge you deeper, down the mire or make you crave the silence of your loneness.
However, life can be beautiful, it sucks too, and sometimes when you can no longer enjoy its superficial pleasure, this is when you begin to seek a deeper meaning, something spiritual, long-lasting and immortal. Recently I've been running into debt, can seem to work anymore, selling off things I own to afford bills, it's silently sinking, but I just can't get back into everything, chasing money to keep myself busy.
The company of most people can be hollow, this is because they're mostly uninterested in what you're going through. losing my brother is worse than my health prognosis, with him here, I could still feel that sense of invisibility, it's all gone now.
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